Understanding the Grief Process and How it is related to Stress, Anxiety, and Depression

In a great book called "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" the author Melody Beattie talks about the Art of Acceptance (in Chapter 12 pages 134 to 140).

She explains how we accept negative (and even positive) things that happen to us or our unmet (and met) expectations through a five-step/stage process. It's called the Grief Process.  

People go through these stages or steps whenever they face any loss or change (good or bad). The loss can be minor like losing a five dollar bill she says or not reeiving an expected letter, or it can be significant like the loss of an important person in your life through betrayal or death, or the loss of a job. Even positive change brings loss, she explains, like when you buy a new house and leave the old one (even if the new one is better). All these things require a progression through the five stages of Grief.

People will probably go through this process for anything that is a fact in their lives that they have not accepted.

This process is not particularly comfortable, she says. In fact it is awkward and somtimes painful. We may feel like we are falling apart. When the process begins, we usually feel shock and panic. As we go through the stages, we often feel confused, vulnrable, lonely, and isolated. A sense of loss of control is usually present, as is hope, which is sometimes unrealistic.

With this said, What have you faced that has caused you to be in the Grief Process and where are you in that process right now?

It is possible to be in many stages of the grief process for several losses, all during the same time.

Here are the 5 stages or steps:

*The first stage generally is denial. This is a state of shock, numbness, panic, and general refusal to accept or acknowledge reality. We do everything and anything to put things back in place or pretend the situation isn't happening. There is much anxiety and fear in this stage. Reactions typical of denial include: Refusing to believe reality ("No, this can't be"); Denying or minimizing the importance of the loss ("Isn't no big deal"); Denying any feelings about the loss ("I don't care"); or Mental Avoidance (sleeping, obsessing, compulsive behaviors, and keeping busy). We may feel somewhat detached from ourselves, and our emotional responses may be flat, nonexistent, or inappropriate (laughing when we should be crying; crying when we should be happy). When someone is codependent Melody says she is convinced they do most of their codependent behaviors in this stage-obsessing, controlling, and repressing feelings.

If you recognize you are in this stage of Grief it isn't a very good time to make significant or serious decisions.

Claudia L Jewett in Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss she explains that "in times of great stress, we shut down our awareness emotionally, sometimes intellectually, and occassionally physically. A built-in mechanism operates to screen out devastating information and to prevent us from becoming overloaded. Psychologist tell us denial is a conscious or unconscious defense that all of us use to avoid, reduce, or prevent anxiety when we are (feel) threatened. We use it to shut out our awareness of things that would be too distrubing to know."

Denial is the shock absorber for the soul. It is an instinctive and natural reaction to pain, loss, and change. It protects us. It wards off the blows of life until we can gather our other coping resources.

*Typically the second stage is Anger. Our anger may be reasonable or unreasonable. We may be justified or may irrationally vent our fury on anything and anyone. We may blame ourselves, God, and everyone around us for what we have lost. The extend of our anger will vary depending on the nature of the loss. For some things we may have little anger over, while other things we may experience very strong feelings of anger.

This is why setting someone straight, showing someone the light, or confronting a serious problem often doesn't turn out the way we expect. If we are denying a situation, we won't move directly into acceptance of reality--we'll move into anger. That is also why we need to be carefui about major confrontations (or decisions) while we are in this stage of Grief.

*Normally the third stage is called Bargaining. Here we attempt to strike a bargain with life, ourselves, another person, or God. If we do such and such or if someone else does this or that, then we won't have to suffer the loss. We are not attempting to postpone the inevitable; we are attempting to prevent it. In this stage sometimes the deals we negotiate are reasonable and productive like getting counseling for a problem and sometimes our bargains are absurd like arranging to kill someone.

*The fourth stage usually is Depression. When we see our bargain has not worked, when we finally become exhausted from our struggle to ward off reality, and when we decide to acknowledge what life has socked to us or our choices have brought us we become sad, in very serious situations of loss we can become terribly depressed. Especially if something we chose to do while going through the grief process in the first place causes us more grief to deal with. This is the essence of grief: mourning at its fullest. This is what we have been attempting at all costs to avoid. This is the time to cry, and it hurts. This stage of the process begins when we humbly surrender, says Esther Olson, a family counselor who works with the grief or, as she calls it, "forgiveness or healing process." It will disappear, she says, only when the process has been worked out and through.

*The very last stage is Acceptance. In this stage we are finally at peace with what is. We are free to stay; free to go on; free to make whatever decisions we need to make. We are free! We have accepted our loss, however minor or significant. It has become an acceptable part of our present circumstances. We are comfortable with it and our lives. We have adjusted and reorganized. Once more, we are comfortable with our present circumstances and ourselves. Not only are we comfortable with our circumstances and the changes we have endured, but we believe we have in some way benefitted from our loss or change even if we cannot fully underatand how or why. We have grown from our experience. We deeply believe our present circumstances--every detail of them--are exactly as they ought to be for the moment. In spite of our fears, feelings, struggles, and confusion, we understand everything is okay even if we lack insight. We accept what is. We stop running, ducking, controlling, and hiding. And we know it is only from this point that we can go forward.

Denial, depression, bargaining, and anger may all come rushing in. We may not know what we're trying to accept. We may not even know we're struggling to accept a situation. We may simply feel like we have gone crazy.

This entire process may take place in thrity seconds for a minor loss; it may last years or a lifetime when the loss is significant. Because this is a model of the process, it is possible for people to not go through the stages exactly as Melody has outlined them. Also it is possible for people to travel back and forth: from anger to denial, from denial to bargaining, from bargaining back to denial. Regardless of the speed or route people travel through these stages, they must travel through them. This is a normal, and necessary process, and each stage is necessary. We don't necessarily have to let the stages dictate our behaviors, but each person, for their well-being and ultimate acceptance, needs to spend individually appropriate time in each stage. "The only way out is through", Frits Perls

Melody says, "We are sturdy beings. But in many ways, we are fragile. We can accept change and loss, but this comes at our own pace and in our own way.

"Healthy are those who mourn," Donald L. Anderson author of Better Than Blessed. He also says, "Grief, like any genuine emotion, is accompanied by certain physical changes and release of a form of psychic energy. If that energy is not expended in the normal process of grieving, it becomes destructive within the person...even physical illness can be a penalty for unresolved grief...Any event, any awareness that contains a sense of loss for you can, and should, be mourned. This doesn't mean a life of incessant sadness. It means being willing to admit to an honest feeling rather than always having to laugh off the pain. It's not only permissible to admit the sadness that accompanies any loss--it's the healthy option.

Be gentle with yourself. This is a draining, exhausting process says Melody. It can deplete our energy and throw us off balance. Talk to people, people who are safe and will provide the comfort, support, and understanding you need (and who will recognize you are grieving and how to help you through the stages appropriately without causing you more grief.) Talk it out; talk it through.

Understand this process helps us be more supportive to other people, and it gives us the power to decide how we will behave and what to do to take care of ourselves when we go through it.

Learn the Art of Acceptance. It's a lot of grief :) Melody says. 

EDUCATION PROGRAMS

Description of the Applied Positive Psychology Undergraduate Certificate Program at University of Utah

Positive Psychology, a new scientific area in psychology, emphasizes the study of human strengths, positive emotions, and well-being. Applied positive psychology is “the application of positive psychology research to the facilitation of optimal functioning” (Linley & Joseph, 2004a, p. 4). In the proposed undergraduate certificate program, a minimum of 12 required credit hours will focus on applying positive psychology to individual behavior and relationships. In addition, students will choose a minimum of 8 credit hours of electives to apply to areas such as education or the workplace.

Educational Objectives

Educational objectives for the undergraduate certificate include the following: 1) Understanding of theories and research methods in positive psychology and

2) Application of evidence-based research in positive psychology to individual behavior, relationships, and institutions.

Specific skills for individuals include practicing realistic optimism, changing addictive thinking, changing behavior, and quality of life self-coaching. Skills for relationships include intimate relationship assessment and development, forgiveness, anger reduction, and reconstruction after divorce. Skills for professionals include assertiveness training, use of flow and visualization to create optimum work performance, use of meditation for stress reduction, and skills to cope with difficult people.


Purpose of the Certificate

This certificate program provides information about cutting-edge research in positive psychology that can be applied to personal, school, or professional work settings. Principles in this field can positively impact social policy, mental health, and organizations. For example, in “controlled experiments” conducted in the UK, Beijing, and Australia with 2,000 children (both wealthy and poor), 200 teachers and graduate students taught “realistic optimism, assertiveness, and decision-making skills.” Students had “half the rate of depression as they went through puberty” within three years of learning those skills (Seligman, results reported in a Utah seminar in February, 2009).

A certificate in applied positive psychology will allow undergraduate students in any major to enhance their effectiveness in the workplace and may be viewed favorably in hiring decisions. Students practice exercises designed to build human strengths in our positive psychology courses.

A certificate will also provide students with a background in the field that may be useful when applying to graduate programs in applied positive psychology. Vanessa Kettering, an advisor at Claremont Graduate University, indicated that an undergraduate certificate in positive psychology would “demonstrate enthusiasm for the content… and would show that the student was committed to the area” (phone interview, November 23, 2009).

Aaron Boczkowski, an advisor at the University of Pennsylvania, mentioned that an undergraduate certificate in positive psychology would be “factored into the equation” but would not “make or break” a candidate for admission to the master’s program in applied positive psychology. He stated that taking undergraduate coursework in positive psychology would help a student respond to essay questions on the application. Mr. Boczkowski also indicated that students should include a list of courses taken in positive psychology in their applications (phone message, Nov. 24, 2009).

Anthony Grant, Director of the Coaching Psychology Unit at the University of Sydney (Australia) responded to the question about the value of an undergraduate certificate: “We would certainly value an undergraduate certificate in positive psychology if it were held by an applicant to our positive psychology or coaching psychology postgraduate degree programs. However, a key component of our admission criteria is work experience and personal maturity and specifically work experience in coaching and applied positive psychology. So, whist such a qualification would be perceived favourably, a student without the requisite work experience would not be admitted even though they held such an award. However, if two applicants both had the same work experience and one also held your award we would chose the applicant with the award” (email dated December 1, 2009).

Patricia Petty, Manager of the Master of Positive Organizational Development program at Case Western Reserve University, responded to the question of the value of an undergraduate certificate: “We would consider anyone with a background in Positive Psych for acceptance in our MPOD program, certificate or bachelors, but our focus would be on their number of years experience. Because we require five to seven years of working experience, our cohorts usually consist of students whose average age is 38-40 years old. The youngest in the cohort is usually around 27 years old, unless there are extenuating circumstances… if an applicant worked in a managerial role throughout their undergraduate years and showed evidence of what we feel would give them the benefit of a full experience in our program” (email dated January 11, 2010).

Number of Credits The number of proposed credits is 20 credit hours, which is the minimum requirement in the University Policy 6-116 (Undergraduate Certificates).

Careers in Positive Psychology

A growing number of professionals from varying backgrounds have decided to pursue training in applied positive psychology and a certificate in coaching. Lawyers, business managers, mental health professionals, HR trainers, and sports psychologists are among the types of professionals interested in adding training in applied positive psychology and coaching to their expertise. A new career specialty is a positive psychology coach. Harvard Medical School hosts an Institute of Coaching, an Annual Coaching Conference, and a new professional journal called COACHING: An International Journal of Theory, Research & Practice. At Harvard’s Institute of Coaching, $100,000 is awarded in yearly grants to researchers and graduate students.

Please see http://www.cgu.edu/include/Org_Careers.pdf
for new careers in Positive Organizational Psychology.

Advantage of Undergraduate Preparation in Applied Positive Psychology

In the Global Well-Being Summit Conference in October, 2007, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a “founding father” of Positive Psychology and professor at Claremont Graduate University shared a concern about the pool of doctoral candidates hoping to be the first students in CGU’s new doctoral programs in positive psychology (http://www.cgu.edu/

). He mentioned that the first group of applicants seemed more interested in applying happiness principles to their own lives than in contributing to new research in the field. If undergraduate students have a chance to apply positive psychology to their personal lives, relationships, education, and professions before graduate school, they may be better prepared for the academic focus and rigor of research-oriented programs.

Standards for Completion

Students will have a minimum GPA of 2.0 for 20 credit hours and must pass a comprehensive essay exam (a proctored written exam) with a C grade at the end of their program.

Graduate Programs in Positive Psychology at Other Universities

Master’s Programs Master of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP), University of Pennsylvania MSc Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP), University of East London M.A. in Positive Developmental Psychology and Evaluation, Claremont Graduate Univ. CA M.A. in Positive Organizational Psychology and Evaluation, Claremont Graduate Univ. CA Master of Science in Positive Organizational Development, Case Western Reserve University, OH

Ph.D. Programs Ph.D. in Positive Developmental Psychology, Claremont Graduate University, CA Ph.D. in Posit

There is freedom in awareness. Recovery is a gradual process.

SELF-IMAGE

IMPROVING YOUR SELF-IMAGE

Most people feel bad about themselves from time to time. Temporary feelings of low self-esteem may be triggered by being treated poorly by someone else recently or in the past, or by a person's own judgments of him or herself. Low self-esteem is a constant companion for too many people, especially those who experience depression. If you go through life feeling bad about yourself needlessly, low self-esteem keeps you from enjoying life, doing the things you want to do, and working toward personal goals.

To improve your self-image, try making lists, rereading them often, and rewriting them from time to time. The process will help you to feel better about yourself. If you have a journal, you can write your lists there. If you don't, any piece of paper will do.

Make a list of:

At least 5 of your strengths, for example, persistence, courage, friendliness, creativity

At least 5 things you admire about yourself, for example, the way you have raised your children, your good relationship with someone in your family, or your spirituality

The 5 greatest achievements in your life so far, like recovering from a serious illness, graduating from high school, or learning to use a computer

At least 20 other accomplishments — they can be as simple as learning to tie your shoes, to getting an advanced college degree

10 ways you can "treat" or reward yourself that don't include food and that don't cost anything, such as walking in woods, window-shopping, or chatting with a friend

10 things you can do to make yourself laugh

10 things you could do to help someone else

Things that you do that make you feel good about yourself

-Terry Unwin coach from midwest center http://www.stresscenter.com/

HAVING A MORE SATISFYING LIFE :)

Eight Steps Toward a More Satisfying LifeWant to lift your level of happiness? Here are some practical suggestions fromUniversity of California psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky, based on research findingsby her and others. Satisfaction (at least a temporary boost) guaranteed

1. Count your blessings.One way to do this is with a“gratitude journal” in whichyou write down three to fivethings for which you arecurrently thankful—from themundane (your peonies are inbloom) to the magnificent (achild’s first steps). Do thisonce a week, say, on Sundaynight. Keep it fresh by varyingyour entries as much aspossible.

2. Practice acts ofkindness. These should beboth random (let that harriedmom go ahead of you in thecheckout line) and systematic(bring Sunday supper to anelderly neighbor). Being kind toothers, whether friends orstrangers, triggers a cascadeof positive effects—it makesyou feel generous and capable,gives you a greater sense ofconnection with others andwins you smiles, approval andreciprocated kindness—allhappiness boosters.

3. Savor life’s joys. Pay closeattention to momentarypleasures and wonders. Focuson the sweetness of a ripestrawberry or the warmth ofthe sun when you step outfrom the shade. Somepsychologists suggest taking“mental photographs” ofpleasurable moments toreview in less happy times.

4. Thank a mentor. If there’ssomeone whom you owe adebt of gratitude for guidingyou at one of life’s crossroads,don’t wait to express yourappreciation—in detail and, ifpossible, in person.

5. Learn to forgive. Let goof anger and resentment bywriting a letter of forgivenessto a person who has hurt orwronged you. Inability toforgive is associated with persistentrumination or dwellingon revenge, while forgivingallows you to move on.

6. Invest time and energy infriends and family. Where youlive, how much money youmake, your job title and evenyour health have surprisinglysmall effects on your satisfactionwith life. The biggestfactor appears to be strongpersonal relationships.

7. Take care of your body.Getting plenty of sleep,exercising, stretching, smilingand laughing can all enhanceyour mood in the short term.Practiced regularly, they canhelp make your daily life moresatisfying.

8. Develop strategies forcoping with stress and hardships.There is no avoidinghard times. Religious faithhas been shown to helppeople cope, but so do thesecular beliefs enshrined inaxioms like “This too shallpass” and “That whichdoesn’t kill me makes mestronger.” The trick is that youhave to believe them.biggest recommendation

For lasting happiness is to figure out (courtesyof his website, reflectivehappiness.com) your strengths and findnew ways to deploy them.

Virtually all the happinessexercises being tested by positivepsychologists, he says, make people feelmore connected to others. :)

Three components of happiness: pleasure (“the smiley-face piece”), engagement (the depth of involvement with one’s family, work, romance and hobbies) and meaning (using personal strengths to serve some larger end).Of those three roads to a happy, satisfied life, pleasure is the least consequential, he insists:

“This is newsworthy because so many Americans build their lives around pursuing pleasure. It turns out that engagement and meaning are much more important.”

“It is important to work on social skills, close interpersonal ties and social support in order to be happy.”

What you remember of an experience is particularly influenced by the emotional high and low points and by how it ends. The average person remembers the peak moments and how he or she felt at the end of something. That's the power of endings.

Studying happiness should pay careful attention to people’s actual experiences rather than just survey their reflections.

“You cannot ignore how people spend their time,” he says, “when thinking about well-being.”we are our memories more than we are the sum total of our experiences,”

Strong friendship networks help immune systemHappiest people have strong supportive social relationships. Happier people usually live 9 years more then unhappy people. Affects of happiness are better performance, and better physical health- actually helps prevent illnesses.

Power to think and we are in control of that power. When we think about an activity, the same areas in the brain are activated as if we were really doing the activity. Brain can’t tell the difference. If we think something is going to happen, it actually does in the brain. You program your brain to be negative or positive.

Visualize! Don’t’ compare weaknesses with others strengths. Visualize how things will be. Mind can’t tell the difference. How visualize self that’s how you’ll be. We all visualize every day, mostly from our past experiences and our negative automatic thoughts. How do you want to be? Focus on what you want to be, not what you aren’t. visualize it with the five senses, even more real to the brain. Put self in the situation they want to be in and the way they want to be See it , smell it, hear it, taste it, feel it. More practice more it becomes automatic.

"Your response makes the difference – you can hate or you can love. You can be bitter or get better. You can make something good out of evil or you can just give up.""It's not what you have lost that counts . . . it's what yo...u have left."

"Some people are thankful for their disability, accident, or terrible circumstance, primarily because it gives them more than it takes away." "It's more of an opportunity than it is a setback."

FORGIVENESS IS A CHOICE by Enright; FORGIVE FOR GOOD, Luskin, 2003;www.learningtoforgive.com

"You gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. You must do that which we think we cannot."

Eleanor Roosevelt
1884-1962, Social Activist and First Lady of the United States

About HAPPINESS

‎"[T]he links between happiness and social contact are so strong that manypsychologists think that humans are genetically wired to need one another.... Even asadults we function much better when we are embedded in social networks that offercooperation, support, and enjoyment.... When people are separated from those theylove for a prolonged period of time, they often show signs of 'withdrawal,' includingsadness and homesickness"

"The close relationships that produce the most happiness are those characterized bymutual understanding, caring, and validation of the other person as worthwhile. Peoplefeel secure in these types of relationships, and are often able to share intimate aspectsof themselves with the other. Importantly, they can count on the other person for help ifthey need it. Although acquaintances and casual friends can be fun, it is the supportiveclose relationships that are essential to happiness.... We know that --on average--people are happier when they are with others compared to the times they are alone"

"Relationships matter to our emotional well-being and psychological wealth because ourclose associates directly help us in a variety of ways. We blossom from children intoadults only through the encouragement, support, and mentorship of parents, teachers,coaches, and other influential people. We are able to face tough times largely throughthe emotional support and compassion of our loved ones.... [G]roups to which webelong help to define who we are and give us a sense of identity. They help us tobecome something larger than ourselves, and help us define who we are in a largeuniverse. Without other people, we are a speck in the universe.... Other people canbring out the best, most playful side in all of us" (54-55).

married people are on the whole relatively happy..... it is important toknow that singles can find close friends and a rewarding life; marriage is notthe only road to happiness. However, the evidence to date suggests that cohabitating couples are not as happy as the married"

happiness is having lots of people whom you love, and who love you in return

"When one arrives at the point where it is pleasurable to do things for the other person,even if he or she doesn't realize what you have done, this type of mature love can be anenduring source of happiness. In compassionate love, we also enjoy trusting andsharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with the other person; this is true intimacy.Yet another kind of affection merits mention here, especially because it hasconsequences for long-term happiness. 'Deficiency-love,' as Fromm called it, is basedon the idea that we are attracted to people who satisfy our needs. If you are low on selfesteem,you will find attractive a person who gives you many compliments. If you getbored easily, you will be drawn to an entertaining, exciting person. This kind of attractionis not necessarily a bad thing, but does have some hidden dangers. Deficiency-loveworks only as long as your needs are stable. Unfortunately, for most of us, aging andmaturing are usually accompanied by a reordering of personal values and a shifting ofneeds. As our needs change, we may find that we feel less attracted to our matesbecause they supply something we no longer need or desire, unless they change as wechange. The type of love you have in your relationships can be a major factor not only inyour marital happiness, but also in your overall fulfillment" (59).

The following survey will help you identify your social strengths, as well as those areaswhere you might want to improve.... Answer yes or no to each of the statementsdepending on whether or not you feel like they describe you:1. I give lots of compliments and positive remarks to others.2. I have someone to whom I can tell my most intimate thoughts and feelings.3. I rarely or never feel lonely.4. I am careful about making negative remarks to others.5. I get along well with my co-workers.6. I can relax and be myself when I am with my friends.7. I mostly trust my family and friends.8. There are people I very much love and care about.9. There are people I could call in the middle of the night if I have an emergency.10. I have fun when I am with other people" (65-66).

The more positives that make it into your head,the easier it will be to experience psychological well-being. Getting into the habit oflooking for successes and seeking out the good in others rather than nitpicking andfault-finding will go a long way toward making the world seem like a friendly, hospitableplace. Each day, noticing people you should be grateful to, even for little things likeholding the door for you, can focus you on the positive in others. Look around and seethe good, beautiful, and amazing things that are going on around you.Folks who make the effort to notice and appreciate positives as they happen, so that they are easier torecall, and those who spend time reminiscing about past successes instead of failurestend to be happier....

Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier By Robert A. Emmons

RESOURCES: LINKS (WEBSITES)

*This website has some great information on it
www.starthrower.com
www.starthrower.com

*This has some great information, including a great short movie called "Celebrating What's Right with the World"
www.celebratetraining.com

www.celebratetraining.com I In Celebrate What's Right With The World, Dewitt Jones asks: Do we choose to see possibilities? Do we really believe they’re there? He assures us that there is always more than one right answer. Celebrating what's right with the world helps us recognize the possibilities and find solutions for the challenges before us.

This inspirational, best-selling training program utilizes stunning photography and powerful dialogue to help viewers approach their lives with celebration, confidence, and grace.

“As I celebrated what was right with the world, I began to build a vision of possibility, not scarcity. Possibility... always another right answer.” - Dewitt Jones... See More... See More

“By celebrating what’s right, we find the energy to fix what’s wrong.”

“Perception controls our reality and if we don’t believe it, we won’t see it.”

“The right vision. It keeps us open to possibilities, it gives us energy, and it makes us much more accepting of change.”

“When we believe it, we’ll see it.”

“Do we choose to see those possibilities? Do we truly believe that they’re there?”


*Looks like a good website

PatientsLikeMe : Mood Conditions Community
www.patientslikeme.com


*Recovery does support groups for people with anxiety and depression

Abraham Low Self-Help Systems
www.recovery-inc.org

Best Possible Selves from a class textbook I had (I will have to add the title and author later)

"Best Possible Selves diary. There are many ways to practice optimism, but the one that has been empirically shown to enhance well-being is the original Best Possible Selves diary method. To try it out, sit in a quiet place, and take twenty to thirty minutes to think about what you expect your life to be one, five, or ten years from now. Visualize a future for yourself in which everything has turned out the way you've wanted. You have tried your best, worked hard, and achieved all your goals. Now write down what you imagine" (108).

"It is easy to understand the benefits of negative emotions like guilt and fear. Fear functions to keep us safe by motivating us to avoid perceived dangers, and guilt functions to guide our behavior through moral decision making, and thereby helpspreserve harmony in families and communities. Imagine how dysfunctional the worldwould be if people did not grieve for their deceased loved ones, feel pangs of guilt when they cheated on tests, or become angry when they were treated unjustly. This is one reason we do not advocate a happy-only approach to life, but insist that bad moods are not only inevitable, but can be useful. Although negative emotions are unpleasant to experience, they often serve a purpose" (21).

negative feelings have a downside in that they can feed on themselves. Although embarrassment and anger are not necessarily pleasant to experience, they can be habit forming. For some people, anger is exciting, and they can learn to feed off the negative emotional dramas in their lives. For other people, self-pity can act as a blanket, one that individuals can swaddle themselves in for a kind of perverse security. The danger with negative feelings isn't in experiencing them -- we all do -- but in getting too comfortable with them, so that they rival our positive emotions in frequency and intensity" (23-24).

"People have values besides their own happiness, and therefore we must sometimes sacrifice our own short-term enjoyment to obtain those other valued goals. We might,for example, visit people in the hospital because we value their friendship and want to cheer them up, even though we find a hospital visit unpleasant. We do activities that wethink are required or the right thing to do, even when we don't enjoy them, in order to act morally. Here it is important to keep the different types of happiness in mind, and the differences between enjoyment and life satisfaction. Many valued activities, even when unpleasant, can increase our long-term life satisfactions because they make our over all lives better, even if they lead to less pleasure at the moment. And they may even bring greater pleasures in the future, because they improve our circumstances, or strengthen our relations with others. Regardless, we often do the right thing without consideringwhether it will increase our own happiness, and that should increase our psychological wealth" (232).

We have the freedom to think any thought or string of thoughts, therefore, it follows that we determine how we feel.