Understanding the Grief Process and How it is related to Stress, Anxiety, and Depression

In a great book called "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" the author Melody Beattie talks about the Art of Acceptance (in Chapter 12 pages 134 to 140).

She explains how we accept negative (and even positive) things that happen to us or our unmet (and met) expectations through a five-step/stage process. It's called the Grief Process.  

People go through these stages or steps whenever they face any loss or change (good or bad). The loss can be minor like losing a five dollar bill she says or not reeiving an expected letter, or it can be significant like the loss of an important person in your life through betrayal or death, or the loss of a job. Even positive change brings loss, she explains, like when you buy a new house and leave the old one (even if the new one is better). All these things require a progression through the five stages of Grief.

People will probably go through this process for anything that is a fact in their lives that they have not accepted.

This process is not particularly comfortable, she says. In fact it is awkward and somtimes painful. We may feel like we are falling apart. When the process begins, we usually feel shock and panic. As we go through the stages, we often feel confused, vulnrable, lonely, and isolated. A sense of loss of control is usually present, as is hope, which is sometimes unrealistic.

With this said, What have you faced that has caused you to be in the Grief Process and where are you in that process right now?

It is possible to be in many stages of the grief process for several losses, all during the same time.

Here are the 5 stages or steps:

*The first stage generally is denial. This is a state of shock, numbness, panic, and general refusal to accept or acknowledge reality. We do everything and anything to put things back in place or pretend the situation isn't happening. There is much anxiety and fear in this stage. Reactions typical of denial include: Refusing to believe reality ("No, this can't be"); Denying or minimizing the importance of the loss ("Isn't no big deal"); Denying any feelings about the loss ("I don't care"); or Mental Avoidance (sleeping, obsessing, compulsive behaviors, and keeping busy). We may feel somewhat detached from ourselves, and our emotional responses may be flat, nonexistent, or inappropriate (laughing when we should be crying; crying when we should be happy). When someone is codependent Melody says she is convinced they do most of their codependent behaviors in this stage-obsessing, controlling, and repressing feelings.

If you recognize you are in this stage of Grief it isn't a very good time to make significant or serious decisions.

Claudia L Jewett in Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss she explains that "in times of great stress, we shut down our awareness emotionally, sometimes intellectually, and occassionally physically. A built-in mechanism operates to screen out devastating information and to prevent us from becoming overloaded. Psychologist tell us denial is a conscious or unconscious defense that all of us use to avoid, reduce, or prevent anxiety when we are (feel) threatened. We use it to shut out our awareness of things that would be too distrubing to know."

Denial is the shock absorber for the soul. It is an instinctive and natural reaction to pain, loss, and change. It protects us. It wards off the blows of life until we can gather our other coping resources.

*Typically the second stage is Anger. Our anger may be reasonable or unreasonable. We may be justified or may irrationally vent our fury on anything and anyone. We may blame ourselves, God, and everyone around us for what we have lost. The extend of our anger will vary depending on the nature of the loss. For some things we may have little anger over, while other things we may experience very strong feelings of anger.

This is why setting someone straight, showing someone the light, or confronting a serious problem often doesn't turn out the way we expect. If we are denying a situation, we won't move directly into acceptance of reality--we'll move into anger. That is also why we need to be carefui about major confrontations (or decisions) while we are in this stage of Grief.

*Normally the third stage is called Bargaining. Here we attempt to strike a bargain with life, ourselves, another person, or God. If we do such and such or if someone else does this or that, then we won't have to suffer the loss. We are not attempting to postpone the inevitable; we are attempting to prevent it. In this stage sometimes the deals we negotiate are reasonable and productive like getting counseling for a problem and sometimes our bargains are absurd like arranging to kill someone.

*The fourth stage usually is Depression. When we see our bargain has not worked, when we finally become exhausted from our struggle to ward off reality, and when we decide to acknowledge what life has socked to us or our choices have brought us we become sad, in very serious situations of loss we can become terribly depressed. Especially if something we chose to do while going through the grief process in the first place causes us more grief to deal with. This is the essence of grief: mourning at its fullest. This is what we have been attempting at all costs to avoid. This is the time to cry, and it hurts. This stage of the process begins when we humbly surrender, says Esther Olson, a family counselor who works with the grief or, as she calls it, "forgiveness or healing process." It will disappear, she says, only when the process has been worked out and through.

*The very last stage is Acceptance. In this stage we are finally at peace with what is. We are free to stay; free to go on; free to make whatever decisions we need to make. We are free! We have accepted our loss, however minor or significant. It has become an acceptable part of our present circumstances. We are comfortable with it and our lives. We have adjusted and reorganized. Once more, we are comfortable with our present circumstances and ourselves. Not only are we comfortable with our circumstances and the changes we have endured, but we believe we have in some way benefitted from our loss or change even if we cannot fully underatand how or why. We have grown from our experience. We deeply believe our present circumstances--every detail of them--are exactly as they ought to be for the moment. In spite of our fears, feelings, struggles, and confusion, we understand everything is okay even if we lack insight. We accept what is. We stop running, ducking, controlling, and hiding. And we know it is only from this point that we can go forward.

Denial, depression, bargaining, and anger may all come rushing in. We may not know what we're trying to accept. We may not even know we're struggling to accept a situation. We may simply feel like we have gone crazy.

This entire process may take place in thrity seconds for a minor loss; it may last years or a lifetime when the loss is significant. Because this is a model of the process, it is possible for people to not go through the stages exactly as Melody has outlined them. Also it is possible for people to travel back and forth: from anger to denial, from denial to bargaining, from bargaining back to denial. Regardless of the speed or route people travel through these stages, they must travel through them. This is a normal, and necessary process, and each stage is necessary. We don't necessarily have to let the stages dictate our behaviors, but each person, for their well-being and ultimate acceptance, needs to spend individually appropriate time in each stage. "The only way out is through", Frits Perls

Melody says, "We are sturdy beings. But in many ways, we are fragile. We can accept change and loss, but this comes at our own pace and in our own way.

"Healthy are those who mourn," Donald L. Anderson author of Better Than Blessed. He also says, "Grief, like any genuine emotion, is accompanied by certain physical changes and release of a form of psychic energy. If that energy is not expended in the normal process of grieving, it becomes destructive within the person...even physical illness can be a penalty for unresolved grief...Any event, any awareness that contains a sense of loss for you can, and should, be mourned. This doesn't mean a life of incessant sadness. It means being willing to admit to an honest feeling rather than always having to laugh off the pain. It's not only permissible to admit the sadness that accompanies any loss--it's the healthy option.

Be gentle with yourself. This is a draining, exhausting process says Melody. It can deplete our energy and throw us off balance. Talk to people, people who are safe and will provide the comfort, support, and understanding you need (and who will recognize you are grieving and how to help you through the stages appropriately without causing you more grief.) Talk it out; talk it through.

Understand this process helps us be more supportive to other people, and it gives us the power to decide how we will behave and what to do to take care of ourselves when we go through it.

Learn the Art of Acceptance. It's a lot of grief :) Melody says. 

EDUCATION PROGRAMS

Description of the Applied Positive Psychology Undergraduate Certificate Program at University of Utah

Positive Psychology, a new scientific area in psychology, emphasizes the study of human strengths, positive emotions, and well-being. Applied positive psychology is “the application of positive psychology research to the facilitation of optimal functioning” (Linley & Joseph, 2004a, p. 4). In the proposed undergraduate certificate program, a minimum of 12 required credit hours will focus on applying positive psychology to individual behavior and relationships. In addition, students will choose a minimum of 8 credit hours of electives to apply to areas such as education or the workplace.

Educational Objectives

Educational objectives for the undergraduate certificate include the following: 1) Understanding of theories and research methods in positive psychology and

2) Application of evidence-based research in positive psychology to individual behavior, relationships, and institutions.

Specific skills for individuals include practicing realistic optimism, changing addictive thinking, changing behavior, and quality of life self-coaching. Skills for relationships include intimate relationship assessment and development, forgiveness, anger reduction, and reconstruction after divorce. Skills for professionals include assertiveness training, use of flow and visualization to create optimum work performance, use of meditation for stress reduction, and skills to cope with difficult people.


Purpose of the Certificate

This certificate program provides information about cutting-edge research in positive psychology that can be applied to personal, school, or professional work settings. Principles in this field can positively impact social policy, mental health, and organizations. For example, in “controlled experiments” conducted in the UK, Beijing, and Australia with 2,000 children (both wealthy and poor), 200 teachers and graduate students taught “realistic optimism, assertiveness, and decision-making skills.” Students had “half the rate of depression as they went through puberty” within three years of learning those skills (Seligman, results reported in a Utah seminar in February, 2009).

A certificate in applied positive psychology will allow undergraduate students in any major to enhance their effectiveness in the workplace and may be viewed favorably in hiring decisions. Students practice exercises designed to build human strengths in our positive psychology courses.

A certificate will also provide students with a background in the field that may be useful when applying to graduate programs in applied positive psychology. Vanessa Kettering, an advisor at Claremont Graduate University, indicated that an undergraduate certificate in positive psychology would “demonstrate enthusiasm for the content… and would show that the student was committed to the area” (phone interview, November 23, 2009).

Aaron Boczkowski, an advisor at the University of Pennsylvania, mentioned that an undergraduate certificate in positive psychology would be “factored into the equation” but would not “make or break” a candidate for admission to the master’s program in applied positive psychology. He stated that taking undergraduate coursework in positive psychology would help a student respond to essay questions on the application. Mr. Boczkowski also indicated that students should include a list of courses taken in positive psychology in their applications (phone message, Nov. 24, 2009).

Anthony Grant, Director of the Coaching Psychology Unit at the University of Sydney (Australia) responded to the question about the value of an undergraduate certificate: “We would certainly value an undergraduate certificate in positive psychology if it were held by an applicant to our positive psychology or coaching psychology postgraduate degree programs. However, a key component of our admission criteria is work experience and personal maturity and specifically work experience in coaching and applied positive psychology. So, whist such a qualification would be perceived favourably, a student without the requisite work experience would not be admitted even though they held such an award. However, if two applicants both had the same work experience and one also held your award we would chose the applicant with the award” (email dated December 1, 2009).

Patricia Petty, Manager of the Master of Positive Organizational Development program at Case Western Reserve University, responded to the question of the value of an undergraduate certificate: “We would consider anyone with a background in Positive Psych for acceptance in our MPOD program, certificate or bachelors, but our focus would be on their number of years experience. Because we require five to seven years of working experience, our cohorts usually consist of students whose average age is 38-40 years old. The youngest in the cohort is usually around 27 years old, unless there are extenuating circumstances… if an applicant worked in a managerial role throughout their undergraduate years and showed evidence of what we feel would give them the benefit of a full experience in our program” (email dated January 11, 2010).

Number of Credits The number of proposed credits is 20 credit hours, which is the minimum requirement in the University Policy 6-116 (Undergraduate Certificates).

Careers in Positive Psychology

A growing number of professionals from varying backgrounds have decided to pursue training in applied positive psychology and a certificate in coaching. Lawyers, business managers, mental health professionals, HR trainers, and sports psychologists are among the types of professionals interested in adding training in applied positive psychology and coaching to their expertise. A new career specialty is a positive psychology coach. Harvard Medical School hosts an Institute of Coaching, an Annual Coaching Conference, and a new professional journal called COACHING: An International Journal of Theory, Research & Practice. At Harvard’s Institute of Coaching, $100,000 is awarded in yearly grants to researchers and graduate students.

Please see http://www.cgu.edu/include/Org_Careers.pdf
for new careers in Positive Organizational Psychology.

Advantage of Undergraduate Preparation in Applied Positive Psychology

In the Global Well-Being Summit Conference in October, 2007, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a “founding father” of Positive Psychology and professor at Claremont Graduate University shared a concern about the pool of doctoral candidates hoping to be the first students in CGU’s new doctoral programs in positive psychology (http://www.cgu.edu/

). He mentioned that the first group of applicants seemed more interested in applying happiness principles to their own lives than in contributing to new research in the field. If undergraduate students have a chance to apply positive psychology to their personal lives, relationships, education, and professions before graduate school, they may be better prepared for the academic focus and rigor of research-oriented programs.

Standards for Completion

Students will have a minimum GPA of 2.0 for 20 credit hours and must pass a comprehensive essay exam (a proctored written exam) with a C grade at the end of their program.

Graduate Programs in Positive Psychology at Other Universities

Master’s Programs Master of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP), University of Pennsylvania MSc Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP), University of East London M.A. in Positive Developmental Psychology and Evaluation, Claremont Graduate Univ. CA M.A. in Positive Organizational Psychology and Evaluation, Claremont Graduate Univ. CA Master of Science in Positive Organizational Development, Case Western Reserve University, OH

Ph.D. Programs Ph.D. in Positive Developmental Psychology, Claremont Graduate University, CA Ph.D. in Posit

There is freedom in awareness. Recovery is a gradual process.

SELF-IMAGE

IMPROVING YOUR SELF-IMAGE

Most people feel bad about themselves from time to time. Temporary feelings of low self-esteem may be triggered by being treated poorly by someone else recently or in the past, or by a person's own judgments of him or herself. Low self-esteem is a constant companion for too many people, especially those who experience depression. If you go through life feeling bad about yourself needlessly, low self-esteem keeps you from enjoying life, doing the things you want to do, and working toward personal goals.

To improve your self-image, try making lists, rereading them often, and rewriting them from time to time. The process will help you to feel better about yourself. If you have a journal, you can write your lists there. If you don't, any piece of paper will do.

Make a list of:

At least 5 of your strengths, for example, persistence, courage, friendliness, creativity

At least 5 things you admire about yourself, for example, the way you have raised your children, your good relationship with someone in your family, or your spirituality

The 5 greatest achievements in your life so far, like recovering from a serious illness, graduating from high school, or learning to use a computer

At least 20 other accomplishments — they can be as simple as learning to tie your shoes, to getting an advanced college degree

10 ways you can "treat" or reward yourself that don't include food and that don't cost anything, such as walking in woods, window-shopping, or chatting with a friend

10 things you can do to make yourself laugh

10 things you could do to help someone else

Things that you do that make you feel good about yourself

-Terry Unwin coach from midwest center http://www.stresscenter.com/

HAVING A MORE SATISFYING LIFE :)

Eight Steps Toward a More Satisfying LifeWant to lift your level of happiness? Here are some practical suggestions fromUniversity of California psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky, based on research findingsby her and others. Satisfaction (at least a temporary boost) guaranteed

1. Count your blessings.One way to do this is with a“gratitude journal” in whichyou write down three to fivethings for which you arecurrently thankful—from themundane (your peonies are inbloom) to the magnificent (achild’s first steps). Do thisonce a week, say, on Sundaynight. Keep it fresh by varyingyour entries as much aspossible.

2. Practice acts ofkindness. These should beboth random (let that harriedmom go ahead of you in thecheckout line) and systematic(bring Sunday supper to anelderly neighbor). Being kind toothers, whether friends orstrangers, triggers a cascadeof positive effects—it makesyou feel generous and capable,gives you a greater sense ofconnection with others andwins you smiles, approval andreciprocated kindness—allhappiness boosters.

3. Savor life’s joys. Pay closeattention to momentarypleasures and wonders. Focuson the sweetness of a ripestrawberry or the warmth ofthe sun when you step outfrom the shade. Somepsychologists suggest taking“mental photographs” ofpleasurable moments toreview in less happy times.

4. Thank a mentor. If there’ssomeone whom you owe adebt of gratitude for guidingyou at one of life’s crossroads,don’t wait to express yourappreciation—in detail and, ifpossible, in person.

5. Learn to forgive. Let goof anger and resentment bywriting a letter of forgivenessto a person who has hurt orwronged you. Inability toforgive is associated with persistentrumination or dwellingon revenge, while forgivingallows you to move on.

6. Invest time and energy infriends and family. Where youlive, how much money youmake, your job title and evenyour health have surprisinglysmall effects on your satisfactionwith life. The biggestfactor appears to be strongpersonal relationships.

7. Take care of your body.Getting plenty of sleep,exercising, stretching, smilingand laughing can all enhanceyour mood in the short term.Practiced regularly, they canhelp make your daily life moresatisfying.

8. Develop strategies forcoping with stress and hardships.There is no avoidinghard times. Religious faithhas been shown to helppeople cope, but so do thesecular beliefs enshrined inaxioms like “This too shallpass” and “That whichdoesn’t kill me makes mestronger.” The trick is that youhave to believe them.biggest recommendation

For lasting happiness is to figure out (courtesyof his website, reflectivehappiness.com) your strengths and findnew ways to deploy them.

Virtually all the happinessexercises being tested by positivepsychologists, he says, make people feelmore connected to others. :)

Three components of happiness: pleasure (“the smiley-face piece”), engagement (the depth of involvement with one’s family, work, romance and hobbies) and meaning (using personal strengths to serve some larger end).Of those three roads to a happy, satisfied life, pleasure is the least consequential, he insists:

“This is newsworthy because so many Americans build their lives around pursuing pleasure. It turns out that engagement and meaning are much more important.”

“It is important to work on social skills, close interpersonal ties and social support in order to be happy.”

What you remember of an experience is particularly influenced by the emotional high and low points and by how it ends. The average person remembers the peak moments and how he or she felt at the end of something. That's the power of endings.

Studying happiness should pay careful attention to people’s actual experiences rather than just survey their reflections.

“You cannot ignore how people spend their time,” he says, “when thinking about well-being.”we are our memories more than we are the sum total of our experiences,”

Strong friendship networks help immune systemHappiest people have strong supportive social relationships. Happier people usually live 9 years more then unhappy people. Affects of happiness are better performance, and better physical health- actually helps prevent illnesses.

Power to think and we are in control of that power. When we think about an activity, the same areas in the brain are activated as if we were really doing the activity. Brain can’t tell the difference. If we think something is going to happen, it actually does in the brain. You program your brain to be negative or positive.

Visualize! Don’t’ compare weaknesses with others strengths. Visualize how things will be. Mind can’t tell the difference. How visualize self that’s how you’ll be. We all visualize every day, mostly from our past experiences and our negative automatic thoughts. How do you want to be? Focus on what you want to be, not what you aren’t. visualize it with the five senses, even more real to the brain. Put self in the situation they want to be in and the way they want to be See it , smell it, hear it, taste it, feel it. More practice more it becomes automatic.

"Your response makes the difference – you can hate or you can love. You can be bitter or get better. You can make something good out of evil or you can just give up.""It's not what you have lost that counts . . . it's what yo...u have left."

"Some people are thankful for their disability, accident, or terrible circumstance, primarily because it gives them more than it takes away." "It's more of an opportunity than it is a setback."

FORGIVENESS IS A CHOICE by Enright; FORGIVE FOR GOOD, Luskin, 2003;www.learningtoforgive.com

"You gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. You must do that which we think we cannot."

Eleanor Roosevelt
1884-1962, Social Activist and First Lady of the United States

About HAPPINESS

‎"[T]he links between happiness and social contact are so strong that manypsychologists think that humans are genetically wired to need one another.... Even asadults we function much better when we are embedded in social networks that offercooperation, support, and enjoyment.... When people are separated from those theylove for a prolonged period of time, they often show signs of 'withdrawal,' includingsadness and homesickness"

"The close relationships that produce the most happiness are those characterized bymutual understanding, caring, and validation of the other person as worthwhile. Peoplefeel secure in these types of relationships, and are often able to share intimate aspectsof themselves with the other. Importantly, they can count on the other person for help ifthey need it. Although acquaintances and casual friends can be fun, it is the supportiveclose relationships that are essential to happiness.... We know that --on average--people are happier when they are with others compared to the times they are alone"

"Relationships matter to our emotional well-being and psychological wealth because ourclose associates directly help us in a variety of ways. We blossom from children intoadults only through the encouragement, support, and mentorship of parents, teachers,coaches, and other influential people. We are able to face tough times largely throughthe emotional support and compassion of our loved ones.... [G]roups to which webelong help to define who we are and give us a sense of identity. They help us tobecome something larger than ourselves, and help us define who we are in a largeuniverse. Without other people, we are a speck in the universe.... Other people canbring out the best, most playful side in all of us" (54-55).

married people are on the whole relatively happy..... it is important toknow that singles can find close friends and a rewarding life; marriage is notthe only road to happiness. However, the evidence to date suggests that cohabitating couples are not as happy as the married"

happiness is having lots of people whom you love, and who love you in return

"When one arrives at the point where it is pleasurable to do things for the other person,even if he or she doesn't realize what you have done, this type of mature love can be anenduring source of happiness. In compassionate love, we also enjoy trusting andsharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with the other person; this is true intimacy.Yet another kind of affection merits mention here, especially because it hasconsequences for long-term happiness. 'Deficiency-love,' as Fromm called it, is basedon the idea that we are attracted to people who satisfy our needs. If you are low on selfesteem,you will find attractive a person who gives you many compliments. If you getbored easily, you will be drawn to an entertaining, exciting person. This kind of attractionis not necessarily a bad thing, but does have some hidden dangers. Deficiency-loveworks only as long as your needs are stable. Unfortunately, for most of us, aging andmaturing are usually accompanied by a reordering of personal values and a shifting ofneeds. As our needs change, we may find that we feel less attracted to our matesbecause they supply something we no longer need or desire, unless they change as wechange. The type of love you have in your relationships can be a major factor not only inyour marital happiness, but also in your overall fulfillment" (59).

The following survey will help you identify your social strengths, as well as those areaswhere you might want to improve.... Answer yes or no to each of the statementsdepending on whether or not you feel like they describe you:1. I give lots of compliments and positive remarks to others.2. I have someone to whom I can tell my most intimate thoughts and feelings.3. I rarely or never feel lonely.4. I am careful about making negative remarks to others.5. I get along well with my co-workers.6. I can relax and be myself when I am with my friends.7. I mostly trust my family and friends.8. There are people I very much love and care about.9. There are people I could call in the middle of the night if I have an emergency.10. I have fun when I am with other people" (65-66).

The more positives that make it into your head,the easier it will be to experience psychological well-being. Getting into the habit oflooking for successes and seeking out the good in others rather than nitpicking andfault-finding will go a long way toward making the world seem like a friendly, hospitableplace. Each day, noticing people you should be grateful to, even for little things likeholding the door for you, can focus you on the positive in others. Look around and seethe good, beautiful, and amazing things that are going on around you.Folks who make the effort to notice and appreciate positives as they happen, so that they are easier torecall, and those who spend time reminiscing about past successes instead of failurestend to be happier....

Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier By Robert A. Emmons

RESOURCES: LINKS (WEBSITES)

*This website has some great information on it
www.starthrower.com
www.starthrower.com

*This has some great information, including a great short movie called "Celebrating What's Right with the World"
www.celebratetraining.com

www.celebratetraining.com I In Celebrate What's Right With The World, Dewitt Jones asks: Do we choose to see possibilities? Do we really believe they’re there? He assures us that there is always more than one right answer. Celebrating what's right with the world helps us recognize the possibilities and find solutions for the challenges before us.

This inspirational, best-selling training program utilizes stunning photography and powerful dialogue to help viewers approach their lives with celebration, confidence, and grace.

“As I celebrated what was right with the world, I began to build a vision of possibility, not scarcity. Possibility... always another right answer.” - Dewitt Jones... See More... See More

“By celebrating what’s right, we find the energy to fix what’s wrong.”

“Perception controls our reality and if we don’t believe it, we won’t see it.”

“The right vision. It keeps us open to possibilities, it gives us energy, and it makes us much more accepting of change.”

“When we believe it, we’ll see it.”

“Do we choose to see those possibilities? Do we truly believe that they’re there?”


*Looks like a good website

PatientsLikeMe : Mood Conditions Community
www.patientslikeme.com


*Recovery does support groups for people with anxiety and depression

Abraham Low Self-Help Systems
www.recovery-inc.org

Best Possible Selves from a class textbook I had (I will have to add the title and author later)

"Best Possible Selves diary. There are many ways to practice optimism, but the one that has been empirically shown to enhance well-being is the original Best Possible Selves diary method. To try it out, sit in a quiet place, and take twenty to thirty minutes to think about what you expect your life to be one, five, or ten years from now. Visualize a future for yourself in which everything has turned out the way you've wanted. You have tried your best, worked hard, and achieved all your goals. Now write down what you imagine" (108).

"It is easy to understand the benefits of negative emotions like guilt and fear. Fear functions to keep us safe by motivating us to avoid perceived dangers, and guilt functions to guide our behavior through moral decision making, and thereby helpspreserve harmony in families and communities. Imagine how dysfunctional the worldwould be if people did not grieve for their deceased loved ones, feel pangs of guilt when they cheated on tests, or become angry when they were treated unjustly. This is one reason we do not advocate a happy-only approach to life, but insist that bad moods are not only inevitable, but can be useful. Although negative emotions are unpleasant to experience, they often serve a purpose" (21).

negative feelings have a downside in that they can feed on themselves. Although embarrassment and anger are not necessarily pleasant to experience, they can be habit forming. For some people, anger is exciting, and they can learn to feed off the negative emotional dramas in their lives. For other people, self-pity can act as a blanket, one that individuals can swaddle themselves in for a kind of perverse security. The danger with negative feelings isn't in experiencing them -- we all do -- but in getting too comfortable with them, so that they rival our positive emotions in frequency and intensity" (23-24).

"People have values besides their own happiness, and therefore we must sometimes sacrifice our own short-term enjoyment to obtain those other valued goals. We might,for example, visit people in the hospital because we value their friendship and want to cheer them up, even though we find a hospital visit unpleasant. We do activities that wethink are required or the right thing to do, even when we don't enjoy them, in order to act morally. Here it is important to keep the different types of happiness in mind, and the differences between enjoyment and life satisfaction. Many valued activities, even when unpleasant, can increase our long-term life satisfactions because they make our over all lives better, even if they lead to less pleasure at the moment. And they may even bring greater pleasures in the future, because they improve our circumstances, or strengthen our relations with others. Regardless, we often do the right thing without consideringwhether it will increase our own happiness, and that should increase our psychological wealth" (232).

We have the freedom to think any thought or string of thoughts, therefore, it follows that we determine how we feel.

CHILDHOOD TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES things I learned in a Pos. Psych class

Betrayal Trauma is one of the worst traumas to process because the person being harmed is not able to accept the fact, that the person who is suppose to protect, love or take care of them (whom they love), is hurting them (especially if that person’s been kind to them before).

The smallest survivors

"As many as 50 percent of children experience trauma before their 18th birthdays," said Annette M. La Greca, PhD, a University of Miami psychology professor and the chair of APA's Task Force on PTSD in Children. "Unfortunately, estimates also indicate that very few children who are exposed to trauma actually receive any services."

As a result, children can experience nightmares, pervasive fears and other long-term consequences from a range of traumatic events, including sexual abuse, natural disasters, terrorism, even emergency room visits.

But by educating parents, developing early interventions and treatments, and tapping community resources, psychologists can do much to mitigate the negative consequences of trauma, presenters said.

Treatments that work

A new spin on cognitive behavioral therapy may be particularly effective for treating traumatized children, reported Anthony P. Mannarino, PhD, a psychiatry professor at Drexel University College of Medicine, in Pittsburgh. The treatment, called trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT), takes 12 to 16 sessions, and, like all CBT, teaches participants to observe and change their thoughts and feelings. In TF-CBT, children also learn to manage their anxieties and fears about the traumatic incident, and they practice relaxation techniques such as deep breathing.

Therapists also bring in parents for occasional joint sessions, where they explore their own thoughts and learn to keep their children safe without being overprotective. These sessions are key to the success of the treatment, Mannarino said.

"One of the most consistent findings that we have come up with over and over again is that parental distress mediates outcome," he noted. "When the parents are doing better, their response seems to correlate with good outcomes with the kids."

Over the last decade, Mannarino and his colleagues have completed six studies that attest to TF-CBT's effectiveness for survivors of sexual abuse and those who witnessed terrorist attacks. One, published in 2004 in the Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (Vol. 43, No. 4), randomly assigned 229 children, age 8 to 14, to either TF-CBT or child-centered therapy, a common treatment for sexual abuse, where children and parents are encouraged to talk openly about their feelings and come up with their own strategies for behavioral change. At the beginning of the study, 89 percent of the children had PTSD. After receiving TF-CBT, that number had shrunk to 21 percent. In comparison, 46 percent of the participants who had received child-centered therapy still had PTSD at the end of the study.

Therapists who are interested in learning more about TF-CBT can take an online course at http://tfcbt.musc.edu/ and gain 10 continuing-education credits, free of charge. So far, 10,000 people have completed the online course, Mannarino said.

ER terror

Accidents that land children in hospital emergency rooms, as well as treatments for cancer and other illnesses, can also lead to PTSD, said Nancy Kassam-Adams, PhD, co-director of the Center for Post-Traumatic Stress at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. In fact, 20 percent of injured children and 12 percent of ill children develop significant PTSD symptoms, according to a meta-analysis of 26 pediatric medical trauma studies, published in 2006 in the Journal of Pediatric Psychology (Vol. 31, No. 4). Interestingly, severely injured or ill children weren't especially likely to develop PTSD — rather, children's individual perceptions of their likelihood of dying predicted their distress.

"What is traumatic can be very different between individuals," said Kassam-Adams, a study co-author.Children with previous traumatic experiences, who underwent painful procedures or who were separated from their parents during their ER visit were also at greater risk for PTSD, she said.With that in mind, mental health-care providers and parents can keep an eye out for symptoms of trauma and address them through what is known as the "D-E-F" protocol, developed by Kassam-Adams and her colleagues.

In the first stage, "distress," adults assess and mitigate anguish by keeping children informed throughout medical treatments and by giving them a say in what's about to happen, if possible. In the second stage, "emotional support," parents encourage their children to talk about their worries and hopes, stay with their children in hospitals and help kids maintain contact with friends in the case of extended hospital stays. In the third stage, "family," medical professionals address parents' and siblings' needs, encouraging them to seek support from friends, therapists and clergy members, for example, and helping them get needed breaks from the hospital.

Parents, psychologists and medical professionals who want to learn more can visit www.nctsn.org/nccts
and download pocket cards, presentations and tip sheets on helping children cope with medical trauma.Culture's role

While there's been great progress in treating PTSD in children, many unanswered questions remain, noted Beth Boyd, PhD, a psychology professor at the University of South Dakota. In particular, researchers don't yet know how to tailor treatments to ethnic-minority children, who are more likely to live in poverty, have chronic health problems and have experienced previous traumas — all complicating factors in PTSD treatment, she said. As a result, ethnic-minority children may mask their fears and anxiety, presenting a facade of toughness, Boyd noted.

"Ethnic-minority children may not show signs of PTSD, especially if they have experienced trauma before in their lives," she said.

While research on helping ethnic-minority children cope with trauma is limited, studies suggest a few routes that can help, including: • Providing children with the chance to discuss their feelings.• Encouraging children to resume their normal lives and routines.• Minimizing children's exposure to upsetting media images after a terrorist attack or natural disaster.

Most of all, ethnic-minority children need culturally competent service providers who understand the culture of the children who have been traumatized and who can draw on sources of resilience within the community, including spiritual practices, oral traditions and cultural identity, Boyd said."Existing interventions must be adapted to the child's culture," she noted.

A new diagnosis for childhood trauma? Some push for a new DSM category for children who undergo multiple, complex traumas.By Tori DeAngelisPrint version: page 32

Many children traverse the terrain of childhood with few major upsets. But an unfortunate number face the opposite fate, suffering repeated and often serious traumas—everything from abuse and neglect to persistent community violence to caregivers impaired by illness, alcohol or depression. No one knows how many children are affected, but one gauge is the number of children reported annually to child protection services for abuse and neglect—3 million. About 1 million of those cases are substantiated, according to a 2003 report by the Administration on Children, Youth and Families.

Yet no one diagnosis adequately captures the plight of these youngsters, and that’s why a new diagnosis is needed for them, asserts a working group of child psychiatrists and psychologists developing such a diagnosis for possible inclusion in the 2011 iteration of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the DSM-5, published by the American Psychiatric Association. As it stands now, these children are often misdiagnosed

HOW OUR TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES MAY BLESS US :)

Growth after trauma seems to be more common than prolonged traumatic stress reactions.

"[H]uman strengths are frequently born in encounters with life difficulties. Strength is often fired in the crucible of adversity"

What is best in life often is shown when people rise mightily to an occasion. Crisis may not be a prerequisite for all strengths of character. It certainly is for those strengths that philosophers deem corrective. People may come out of a crisis better off than those who never had the crisis. To be sure, we would not want to program crises for our children in the hope that they will surmount them to become better people. But neither should we eschew all risk. Positive psychology should recognize that there are lessons to be learned from failure and disappointment, even from crisis and stress...'" (35)

The relationship between life satisfaction and character is relentlessly monotonic. Said another way, the place where life satisfaction is notably absent is at the lower end of a strength. Aristotle notwithstanding, the typical problem with a virtue lies in its deficiency and not in its excess.

Personal Growth is "Profounded Grounded" in Adversity (Ryff & Singer)

Purpose in life, the capacity to find meaning and direction in one's experiences, as well as to create and pursue goals in living, is profoundly grounded in confrontations with adversity...Similarly, personal growth, or the capacity to continually realize one's talent and potential, as well as to develop new resources and strengths, frequently involves encounters with adversity that require one to dig deeply to find one's inner strength. When are people most likely to discover these strengths? Ironically, paradoxically, it is when they are most down and out that inner resources are frequently found and exert their powers of renewal... Self-expansion through challenge quintessentially illustrates the human spirit's remarkable capacity to survive loss, recover from adversity, and thrive in the face of overwhelming obstacles...

In sum, it is not the absence of negative experience or negative emotion that defines the good, well-lived, richly experienced life, but how challenges and difficulties are managed, responded to, dealt with, and transformed. Returning to the theme of irony, we note that the deepest levels of human meaning and connection are frequently found when individuals come face to face with their vulnerabilities, insecurities, or pain...

Wellness comes from active encounters with life's challenges, setbacks, and demands, not from blissful, conflict-free, smooth sailing" (Ryff & Singer, 277-279).

Restoring Meaning: reinvent, gained a new view of, replace with something better :)

The most desirable outcome of development... a point at which a person comes to accept his or her past, no longer seeks to change or achieve the impossible, yet is vitally connected to the immediate environment.

"In his longitudinal study of male adult development, Vaillant (1993) theorized that a key to mature adaptation to life is the ability to replace bitterness and resentment toward those who have perpetrated harm with gratitude and acceptance. Gratitude is part and parcel of a creative process whereby self-destructive emotions are transformed into ones that permit healing and restoration. According to Vaillant, 'Mature defenses grow out of our brain's evolving capacity to master, assimilate, and feel grateful for life, living, and experience'"

A peak experience, is "a state of deep focus that occurs when people engage in challenging tasks that demand intense concentration and commitment. Flow occurs when a person's skill level is perfectly balanced to the challenge level of a task that has clear goals and provides immediate feedback.

Making these a constant part of our lives can enhance our work, personal relationships and leisure time.

Maslow thought, Peak experiences were more frequent among self-actualizing persons since they had 'relatively permanent gratification' of their basic needs for safety, love, affiliation, identity and self-esteem and were able to function at higher motivational states of integrated activity.

As the process of need gratification increases, more integrative experiences occur leading to greater strength in personality, identity, and active mastery unless thwarted by frustration, blocks, deprivation, threat, trauma, or other types of experience that maintain focus on lower needs thereby preventing the development of more robust self-actualizing states.

In this way acute identity episodes [peak experiences] are positive in nature and can mobilize growth and personality development in self-actualizing directions.

The person in the peak experience feels more integrated (unified, whole, all of a piece) than at other times. He also looks (to the observer) more integrated in various ways, e.g., less split, dissociated, less fighting against himself, less split between experiencing self and observing self, more on-pointed, more harmoniously organized, more efficiently organized with all his parts functioning very nicely with each other, more synergic, with less internal friction, etc.

It is through memory that we learn from the past and from past mistakes.

Acceptance and surrender recognize the inherent wisdom of letting go of things that are beyond one's capacity to control. Acceptance and surrender in the recognition of superior forces and events is healthy acknowledgement of limits.

Resources for Traumatic Stress

American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress 386 Veterans Memorial Highway Commack, NY 11725 Phone: 631-543-2217 Fax: 631-543-6977 E-mail: aaets@traumatic-stress.org Web: www.aaets.org

The Academy is a multidisciplinary network of professionals who are committed to the advancement of intervention for trauma survivors. Its goal is to identify experts among professionals and across disciplines and to provide meaningful standards for those who work regularly with survivors. The Academy offers its members Board Certification Programs, Diplomate and Fellow Credentials, and continuing education credits. The Academy publishes Trauma Response, Academy Updates, and Info Sheets.

American Psychological Association Disaster Response Network 750 First Street, NE Washington, DC 20002 Phone: 202-336-5898 Toll free: 1-800-374-2721 E-mail: pracpr@apa.org Web: www.apa.org

The American Psychological Association (APA) developed its Disaster Response Network (DRN) in response to the needs of those who have been traumatized and/or suffer from PTSD. More than 1,500 psychologist volunteers provide free, onsite mental health services to disaster survivors and the relief workers who assist them. APA works collaboratively with the American Red Cross, FEMA, state emergency management teams, and other relief groups to provide free mental health services to disaster victims and relief workers.

American Red Cross Contact your local Red Cross chapter for more information Web: www.redcross.org

The American Red Cross responds to more than 67,000 disasters each year, including fires, hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, tornadoes, hazardous materials spills, transportation accidents, explosions, and other natural and man-made disasters. Red Cross disaster relief focuses on meeting people’s immediate emergency disaster-caused needs, including providing them with shelter, food, and health and mental health services. The core of Red Cross disaster relief is the assistance given to individuals and families affected by disaster, which enables them to resume their normal daily activities independently. The Red Cross also feeds emergency workers, handles inquiries from concerned family members outside the disaster area, provides blood and blood products to disaster victims, and helps those affected by disaster to access other available resources.

America.s Heroes of Freedom PO Box 18984 Washington, DC 20036 Phone: 301-570-8124 Fax: 301-570-2279 E-mail: info@americasheroes.us Web: www.americasheroes.us

America.s Heroes of Freedom is a nonprofit organization that provides educational, commemorative, and remembrance opportunities in the wake of a national tragedy. It provides recognition and support to military, law enforcement, fire and rescue service, and civil services, which have responded to a public tragedy.

Anxiety Disorders Association of America 8730 Georgia Avenue, Suite 600 Silver Spring, MD 20910 Phone: 240-485-1001 E-mail: anxdis@adaa.org Web: www.adaa.org

The Anxiety Disorders Association of America (ADAA) is a nonprofit organization whose mission is to promote prevention and cure of anxiety disorders and to improve the lives of all people who suffer from them. ADAA disseminates information that links people who need treatment with those who can provide it. It also advocates for costeffective treatment. The ADAA is made up of professionals who conduct research and treat anxiety disorders and individuals who have a personal or general interest in learning more about such disorders. ADAA offers a bookstore catalogue, a brochure on PTSD, PTSD Treatment Guidelines for Patients and Families, and a quarterly newsletter.

Association of Death Education and Counseling 342 N. Main Street West Hartford, CT 06117 Phone: 860-586-7503 Fax: 860-586-7550 E-mail: info@adec.org Web: www.adec.org

The Association of Death Education and Counseling (ADEC) is a multidisciplinary professional organization dedicated to promoting excellence in end-of-life education andtreatment, and bereavement counseling. ADEC provides its members and the general public with information, support, and resources based on theoretical and quality research.

Association of Traumatic Stress Specialists PO Box 2747 Georgetown, TX 78627 Phone: 512-868-3677 Fax: 512-868-3678 E-Mail: admin@atss-hq.com Web: www.atss-hq.com

The ATSS is a nonprofit organization whose mission is to organize, educate, and professionally certify its worldwide membership in order to assist those affected by trauma. ATSS offers three types of certification: Certified Trauma Specialist (CTS) for those providing clinical treatment; Certified Trauma Responder (CTR) for those responding to a traumatic incident; Certified Trauma Service Specialist (CTSS) for those offering services to survivors. Certified individuals have distinguished themselves in complying with a standard of education, training, and experience in providing services to trauma survivors. Certification demonstrates to victims, survivors, other professionals, and the general public that services will be provided in an ethical, skillful manner. It also fosters credibility, which enables organizations to recruit volunteers, gain recognition with other associations, reward employees/volunteers, and obtain supporters. ATSS holds an annual conference and offers a quarterly newsletter, Trauma Lines, and other materials on traumatic stress.

(The) Compassionate Friends PO Box 3696 Oak Brook, IL 60522 Phone: 630-990-0010 Toll free: 800-969-0010 Fax: 630-990-0246 E-mail: Trish@compassionatefriends.org Web: www.compassionatefriends.org

Compassionate Friends is a self-help organization that was formed to offer friendship and understanding to families mourning the death of a child. There are 580 chapters across the country that provide monthly meetings, phone contacts, lending libraries, and free literature on grief and loss. The national organization provides training and referrals to the local chapters.

Concerns of Police Survivors (COPS) PO Box 3199 S Highway 5 Camdenton, MO 65020 Phone: 573-346-4911 Fax: 573-346-1414 E-mail: cops@nationalcops.org Web: www.nationalcops.org

COPS is a nonprofit organization that provides resources and assistance to surviving family members and friends of law enforcement officers killed in the line of duty. COPS provides training to law enforcement agencies on survivor victimization issues and raises general public awareness and support for the law enforcement professions. COPS hosts a police survivor seminar and a kids camp each May and different retreats throughout the year at the national, state, and local level.

Crisis Management International Piedmont Center, Suite 420 Atlanta, GA 30305 Phone: 404-841-3400 Crisis line: 1-800-274-7470 Fax: 404-841-3404 E-mail: bblythe@cmiatt.com Web: www.cmiatl.com

With 1,300 specially trained Mental Health Professionals on standby, Crisis Management International (CMI) helps companies manage the unexpected. CMI leads the world in helping organizations minimize the human costs of both major and minor crises. They prepare clients for foreseeable crises and volatile situations by defusing threats of violence before they become a tragedies and by helping management and employees return to precrisis levels of productivity with reduced financial impact. Qualified providers can join the CMI network through an application and training process.

Dougy Center PO Box 86852 Portland, OR 97286 Phone: 503-775-5683 Fax: 503-777-3097 E-mail: help@dougy.org Web: www.dougy.org

The Dougy Center is a nonprofit organization serving children ages 3 to 19 and their families since 1982. Through its National Center for Grieving Children and Families, they provide training and support locally, nationally and internationally for children who have survived the death of a parent or sibling (for teens, a close friend) through an accident, illness, suicide, or murder. The Center itself offers support groups and counseling for families that come from all over the world. It also provides a variety of information and publications for families, children and other professionals. The Dougy Center publishes the National Directory of Children.s Grief Services. The Dougy Center offers professional education in order to help other communities with grieving children.

Federal Emergency Management Agency 500 C Street, SW Washington, DC 20472 202-566-1600 www.fema.gov

The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) is an independent federal agency reporting to the President and tasked with responding to, planning for, recovering from, and mitigating against disaster. FEMA has regional offices across the country and a cadre of standby disaster assistance employees who can be called upon in the event of an emergency, such as tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, and man-made crises. Often, FEMA works in partnership with other local organizations that are part of the national emergency response system. These partners include local and state emergency management agencies, 27 federal agencies, and the American Red Cross. FEMA provides states, communities, businesses, and individuals with disaster assistance, offers training to local disaster managers, supports the nation.s fire service, and administers the national flood and crime insurance programs.

Gift from Within 16 Cobb Hill Road Camden, ME 04843 Phone: 207-236-8858 Fax: 207-236-2818 E-MailJoyceB3955@aol.com Web: www.giftfromwithin.org


Gift from Within is a private, nonprofit organization dedicated to those who suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), those at risk for PTSD, and those who care for traumatized individuals. It develops and disseminates educational material, including videotapes, articles, books, and a resource catalog and maintains a roster of survivors who are willing to participate in an international network of peer support.

Green Cross Foundation 10064 SW 182 Court Dunnellon, FL 34432 Web: www.greencross.org


The Foundation supports the field of traumatology in humanitarian efforts, standards of practice in research, consultation, education, and the development of humane policies affecting the traumatized. The Foundation publishes the journal Traumatology and supports the activities of the Academy of Traumatology. In the event of a disaster or other emergency need, the Green Cross Projects can provide trained traumatology specialists from its worldwide membership, who will provide information, education, consultation, and treatment for traumatized individuals or communities that have been affected by natural or human-caused disaster.

Hospice Foundation of America 2001 S Street, NW, Suite 300 Washington, DC 20009 Phone: 800-854-3402 or 202-638-5419 Fax: 202-638-5312 E-mail: hfa@hospicefoundation.org Web: www.hospicefoundation.org


The Hospice Foundation of America (HFA) is a nonprofit organization that provides leadership in the development and application of hospice and its philosophy of care. HFA produces an annual award-winning national teleconference on grief and publishes the companion book series, Living with Grief. HFA also provides a variety of other resources and titles, some of which are on audiocassettes. HFA offers a monthly newsletter, Journeys. There are also many brochures that offer guidance on coping with end of life issues and bereavement.

International Association of Emergency Managers 111 Park Place Falls Church, VA 22046-4513 Phone: 703-538-1795 Fax: 703- 241-5603 E-mail: info@iaem.com Web: www.iaem.com


IAEM is a nonprofit educational organization dedicated to promoting the goals of saving lives and protecting property during emergencies and disasters. International Association of Firefighters 1750 New York Avenue, NW Washington, DC 20006 Phone: 202-737-8484 Fax: 202-737-8418 Web: www.iaff.org


The IAFF is comprised of 2,700 affiliates in communities across America. The IAFF provides its 250,000 members, who are firefighters and paramedics, with services such as Employee Assistance and trauma counseling in the event of a line of duty death. An auxiliary helps spouses and other family members cope with the demands of fire service, and the IAFF also supports activities that aid burn victims.

International Critical Incident Stress Foundation 10176 Baltimore National Pike, Unit 201 Ellicott City, MD 21042 Phone: 410-750-9600 Hotline: 410-313-2473 Fax: 410-750-9601 Web: www.icisf.org


The International Critical Incident Stress Foundation (ICISF) is a nonprofit, nongovernmental, membership organization in special consultative status with the Economic and Social Council of the United Nations. Its mission is the prevention and mitigation of disabling stress through education, training, and support services for all emergency services professions; continuing education and training in emergency mental health services for psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and licensed professional counselors; and consultation in the establishment of crisis and disaster response programs for varied organizations and communities worldwide. ICISF members are placed in a network of Critical Incident Stress Management teams, service providers, administrators, commercial and industrial services, researchers, and educators.

SUICIDE WARNING SIGNS

Lonely? Trapped? Hopeless? Alone?-Threatening to hurt or kill oneself or talking about wanting to hurt or kill oneself-Looking for ways to kill oneself by seeking access to a way to do it: pills, guns, etc.-Talking or writing about death, dying, or suicide when these actions are out of the ordinary for person-Feeling hopeless-Feeling rage or uncontrolled anger or seeking revenge-Acting reckless or engaging in risky activities--seemingly without thinking-Feeling trapped--like there's no way out-Increasing alcohol or drug use-Withdrawling from friends, family, and society-Feeling anxious or agitated, being unable to sleep, or sleeping all the time-Experiencing dramatic mood changes-Seeing no reason for living or having no sense of purpose in life.

IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE, CALL 1-800-273-8255 (At anytime) or TTY: 800-799-4889 or Go to: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org


YOU CAN HELP SOMEONE YOU THINK MAY BE SUICIDAL, BY SHOWING YOU CARE LIKE:-Listening to them with sincere concern for their feelings. You don't need to offer advice. Just let them know they are not alone.-Sharing your feelings with them. They need to know that they are important to you and that you care. If you feel they may make a reckless decision, tell them you are concerned.-Inquiring if they have had suicidal thoughts or if they have made a suicide plan in a straightforward and caring manner. If you feel you cannot ask that question, find someone who can. -Call the National Suicide Prevention lifeline, listed above. :)

Link:

http://www.sharecare.com/health/depression-living-with/what-depression-play-suicide

Resisting Change

People only do things when they get something from their behavior (it is reinforced by somethings). People with anxiety and depression get something from being the way they are, that is why they hold on to those behaviors.

LEARNING TO FORGIVE AND APOLOGIZE

"FORGIVE FOR GOOD"

Nine Steps to Forgiveness
Frederic Luskin, Ph.D.

1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.

3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the "peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story."

4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes - or ten years -ago. Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.

5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body's flight or fight response.

6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life , that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the "unenforceable rules" you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.

7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want. 8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.

9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt depression and stress and leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self confidence. Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships as well as physical health. It also influences our attitude which opens the heart to kindness, beauty, and love


The "Reach" Method for Forgiveness Works

Vijai P. Sharma, Ph.D Psychologist Everett Worthington Jr., a pioneer researcher in the field of forgiveness, constructed a 5-step model to facilitate the process of forgiveness. It is one of the techniques most favored by counselors specializing in forgiveness and reconciliation. Worthington is not an armchair scientist. He has endured one of the most horrific traumas that a person ever experiences. In 1996, his aged mother, living in Knoxville, was raped and beaten to death. His heroic struggle in coming to terms with such a brutal event and subsequent forgiveness of the perpetrators should be an inspiration to all.

Worthington's 5-step technique of forgiveness is called REACH. REACH, an acronym, stands for the following: Recall the hurt Empathize with the one who hurt you Altruistic gift of forgiveness, offer Commitment to forgive, make Hold on to the forgiveness

Step 1 Recall the Hurt. When we are hurt, it is natural to experience fear or anger. So, when you encounter the wrongdoer in person or in your thoughts, you might tense up, withdraw into your shell or lash out at him or her in your mind. Fear prompts us to run and anger prompts us to attack. It is natural for a victim to try to physically and mentally avoid the aggressor. Mental avoidance consists of trying to forget or distract the mind from focusing on painful thoughts related to the event. Physical avoidance is relatively easy, but escaping thoughts is more difficult and can highly frustrating. . It is difficult to forgive if fear or anger still dominates your psyche. You're just trying to protect yourself or attack the other and forgiveness doesn't have a chance in such a position. The way to overcome the fear or the anger is to recall the event and still try to relax. Take deep, slow and calming breaths as you visualize the event and recall the hurt event fully. Do not hesitate to seek help from a friend or a therapist if it's difficult to do on your own.

Step 2 Empathize with the person who hurt you. Explain the hurtful act, not from your perspective, but from that of the other. Why did wrongdoer do what he or she did? Still better, explain the hurtful event as the wrongdoer's lawyer might do. The purpose of this imaginative exercise is not to arrive at the most accurate explanation of the wrongdoer's actions but to find a plausible explanation with which you can (live.) live and let go. For example, you may say to yourself, "People who attack others are themselves usually in a state of fear, anger or hurt" or, "People are not thinking rationally when they hurt others." An attempt to stop a negative thought has the opposite effect; it increases the negative thought. Try this instead, "I will stop all thoughts of forgiveness today." You'll likely find yourself thinking about forgiveness in spite of yourself.

Step 3 Altruistic gift of forgiveness. Recall a time when you felt guilty for hurting or offending someone and how that person forgave you. Your victim gave you a gift and you perhaps felt grateful. Why did that person give you that gift? Because he or she realized that you needed it! Giving the gift makes us feel better. As the saying goes, "If you want to be happy for a lifetime, help someone." A gift is given to help the other person. Offer the gift of forgiveness for the wrongdoer's own good. You might get a gift in exchange, that is, your own peace of mind. Step 4 Commit yourself. Make a commitment to yourself to forgive publicly so you don't have a chance to back out later. Such public commitment may include announcing your intention to a group you belong to, write a "certificate of forgiveness" with a specific date on the certificate; write a letter of forgiveness to the wrongdoer and reading it out loud, or tell a trusted friend about your act of forgiveness.

Step 5 Hold onto forgiveness. Memories of the hurtful event will surface even after you have forgiven the wrongdoer. Hopefully, the memories will not be as emotional and disturbing as they were before you exercised your prerogative of forgiveness. Forgiveness should be genuine. Learn to interrupt all thoughts related to revenge and self-pity. There are half a dozen or more well-designed studies measuring the consequences of procedures like REACH and of learning and practicing forgiveness. These studies consistently show that forgiveness reduces chronic anger, fear and stress, increases optimism and brings health benefits.

DEALING WITH ADDICTIONS, CO-ADDICTION, AND CO-DENDENCY

"Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How partners can cope and heal" by Barbara Steffens Ph.D LPCC (She knows J.G. Farr , professor Ed. Psych. U of U)

Barbara is a pioneer in Relational Betrayal Trauma. She's done a lot of research on the affects of a sexual addiction on the spouse of the addict. She's help start groups for spouses of addicted partners. She found in her research that there wasn't alot of support for spouses of those suffering from a sexual addiction. She realized it was the spouses responsibility to make something better from those experiences of a traumatic event.

Many spouses, she found, felt hopeless and helpless and many other symptoms similiar to those who experienced traumatic events in war or of sexual assault. This is an extremely stressful and traumatic situation because the person these spouses had bonded with, who had given them a safe place, now became an enemy. She realized the spouses could choose to learn from the experience. They could learn about themselves. She said you don't know what your foundation is until you fall. These spouses lives were shattered and they found they were vulnerable to a lot of things they didn't know they were vulnerable to before. They needed to learn to use those experiences for good, to find purpose and meaning (the good thta came from) what happened. She said after the trauma is over and people are putting the pieces together, they have a choice (a responsibility) for what they will do with those experiences. The spouses realized bad things can happen. They were more compassionate and humble afterward. The experiences grounded them and gave them a sense of self. Helped them find out who they really were.

Betrayal Trauma is one of the worst traumas to process because the person being harmed is not able to accept the fact, that the person who is suppose to protect, love or take care of them (whom they love), is hurting them (especially if that person’s been kind to them before).

Learning about SIGNATURE STRENGTHS that can help you with stress, anxiety, and depression

Recognizing and Identifying Yours (and others) Strengths and Talents!

I found this book called "StrengthsFinder 2.0". It talks about the 34 most common talents found among people in a study/research done by Gallup's.

There's some info on their website: http://strengths.gallup.com/110389/Research-Behind-StrengthsFinder-20.aspx

(If you want to look it up.)

I wanted to identify and share with each of you what I think your individual strengths and talents are, but as of now thought I'd introduce them all to you and let you see what you think your own talents and strengths are.

Also, If you want to identify the strengths and talents of others you know and let them know, that's cool too! A big focus of this book and website is for individuals to identify their strengths and build on them, and also to recognize the strengths of others and help them buld on them also.

Thanks!


The 34 most common talents are:

Achiever (you have drive. Have constant need for achievement-must achieve. It pushes you to do more. It may not be logical or focused but it's always there. It brings you the energy you need to work long hours without burning out. It's the power supply that causes you to set the pace and define the levels of productivity.),

Activator (You are impatient for action, and know that only action is real. Action can only make things happen. Once a decision is made, you act. If the decision has been made to go across town, you know that the fastest way to get there is to go stoplight to stoplight. You are not going to sit around waiting until all the lights have turned green. Your view is that: action and thinking are not opposites. You believe that action is the best device for learing. You make a decision, you take action, you look at the reults, and you learn. This learning informs your next actions and your next. How can you grow if you have nothing to react to? You must put yourself out there. You must take the next step. It's the only way to keep your thinking fresh and informed. Know judged by what you get done, not what you say or think.),

Adaptability (You live in the moment. See the future as a place that you create out of the choices that you make right now. You discover your future one choice at a time. Though you have plans, but adaptability enables you to respond willingly to the demands of the moment evenif they pull you away from your plans. You don't resent sudden requests or unforeseen detours. You expect them. They are inevitable. You are a very flexible person who can stay productive when the demands of work are pulling you in many different directions at once.),

Analytical (You challenge other people and ideas. You do not necessarily want to destroy other people's ideas, but you do insist tht their theories be sound. You see yourself as objective and dispassionate. You like data because they are value free. You search for patterns and connections. You want to understand how certain patterns affect one another. You peel the layers back until, gradually, the root cause or causes are revealed. Others see you as logical and rigorous. It is hoped that your analysis is never delivered too harshly. Otherwise, others may avoid you when that "wishful thinking" is their own.),

Arranger (You are a conductor. When faced with a complex situation involving many factors, you enjoy managing all of the variables, aligning and realigning them until you are sure you have arranged them in the most productive configuration possible. Figure out the best way to get things done. You are a shining example of effective flexibility, whether you are changing travel schedules at the last minute because a better fare has popped up or mulling over just teh right combination of people and resources to accomplish a new project. From the mundane to the complex, you are always looking for the perfect configuration. You are at your best in dynamic situations. Confronted with the unexpected, some complain that plans devised with such care cannot be changed, while others take refuge in the existing rules or procedures. You just jump into the confusion, devising new options, hunting for new paths of least resistance, and figuring out new partnerships--because, after all, there might just be a better way.),

Belief (You have certain core values that are enduring. These values vary from one person to another, but ordinarily your Belief theme cause you to be family-oriented, altruisic, even spiritual, and to value responsibility and high ethics--both in yourself and others. These core values affect your behavior in many ways. They give your life meaing and satisfaction; in your view, success is more than money and prestige. They provide you with direction, guiding you through the temptations and distractions of life toward a consistent set of priorities. This consistency is the foundation for all your relationships.Your belief makes you easy to trust. With this, your work must be meaningful; it must matter to you. And guided by your Belief theme it will matter only if it gives you a chance to live out your values.),

Command (Command leads you to take charge. No discomfort with imposing your views on others. Once your opinion is formed, you need to share it with others. Once your goal is set, you feel restless until you have aligned others with you. Not frightened by confrontation; you know that confrontation is the first step toward resolution. You feel compelled to present the facts or the truth, no matter how unpleasant it may be. You need things to be clearn between people and challenge them to be clear-eyed and honest. Push to take risks. May even intimidate. Some may resent this, labeling you opinionated, they often willingly hand you the reins. People are drawn toward those who take as stance and ask them to move in a certain direction. Therefore, people will be drawn to you.),

Communication (You like to explain, to describe, to host, to speak in public, and to write. You feel a need to bring things to life, to energize them, to make them exciting and vivid. You take dry ideas and enliven them with images adn examples and metaphors. You believe that most people have very short attention spans. You want your information to survive. You want to divert attention toward you and then capture it, lock it in. Drives you to hunt for perfect phrase, word. This is why people like to listen to you.),

Competition (Rooted in comparison. Instinctively aware of other people's performance. Ultimate yardstick. You need other people, like all competitors. You need to compare. If you can compare, you can compete, and if you can compete, you can win. You like measurement because it facilitates comparisons. You like other competitors because they invigorate you. You compete to win. Over time you will come to avoid contests where winning seems unlikely.),

Connectedness (Things happen for a reason. You are sure of it. You are sure of it because in your soul you know that we are all connected. We are all individuals, responsible for our own free will, but nonetheless we are a part of something larger. You gain confidence from knowing that we are not isolated from one another or from the earth and the life on it. This feeling of Connectedness implies certain responsibilities. If harm others, harm self or exploit others, exploit self. Your awareness of these responsibilities creates your value system. You are considerate, caring, and accepting. Certain of the unity of humankind, you are a bridge builder for people of different cultures. Sensitive to the invisible hand, you can give othes comfort that there is a purpose beyond our humdrum lives. Your faith is strong. It sustains you and your close friends in the face of life's mysteries.),

Consistency (Balance is important to you. Keenly aware of the need to treat people the same, no matter what their station in life. You believe that people function best in a consistent environment where the rules are clear and are applied to everyone equally. This is an environment where people know what is expected. It is perdictable and evenhanded. It is fair. Here each person has an even chance to show his or her worth.),

Context (You look back to understand the present. It is only by casting your mind back to an earlier time, a time when the plans were being drawn up, that the present regains its stability. The earlier time was a simplier time. A time of blueprints. As you look back, you begin to see these blueprints emerge. You realize what the initial intentions were. This understanding brings you confidence. You make better decisions because you sense the underlying structure. You become a better partner because you understand how your colleagues came to be who they are. And counterintuitively you become wiser about the future because you saw its seeds being sown in the past. You must discipline yourself to ask the questions and allow the blueprints to emerge because no matter what the situation, if you haven't seen the blueprints, you will have less confidence in your decisions.),

Deliberative (You are careful. You are a private person. You know the world is unperdictable. You sense the many risks. Rather than denying these risks, you draw each one out into the open. Then each risk can be indentified, assessed, and ultimately reduced. You are fairly serious and approach life with a certain reserve. You like to plan ahead so as to anticipate what might go wrong. Select friends cautiously and keep your own cousel when the conversation turns to personal matters. Life is not a popularity constest. Life is something of a minefield. You identify the dangers, weigh their relative impact, and then place your feet deliberately. You walk with care.),

Developer (You see the potential in others. In your view no individual is fully formed. Each individual is a work in progress, alive with possibilities. You are drawn toward people for this very reason. When you interact with others, your goal is to hlep them experience success. You look for ways to challenge them. You devise interesting experiences that can stretch them and help them grow. You are on the outlook for the signs of growth. Even small increments, to you are clear sings of potential being realized. These signs of growth in others are your fuel. They bring you strength and satisfaction. Over time many will seek you out for help and encouragement because on some level they know that your helpfulness is both genuine and fulfilling to you.),

Discipline (Your world needs to be perdictable. It needs to be ordered and planned. So you instinctively impose structure on your world. You set up rountines. You focus on timeslines and deadlines. You break long-term projects into a series of specific short-term plans, and you work through each plan diligently. You are not necessarily neat and clean, but you do need percision. You want to feel in control. The routines, the timelines, the structure, all of these help create this feeling of control. lacking this theme of Discipline, others may sometimes resent your need for order, but there need not be conflict. You must understand that not everyone feels your urge for predictability; they have other ways of getting things done. You can help them understand adn even appreciate your need for structure. They don't need to misinterpreted your behaviors as controlling behaviors that box people in. Rather, these behaviors can be understood as your instinctive method for maintaining your progress and your productivity in the face of life's many distractions.),

Empathy (You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person's perspective. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings--to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you.),

Focus ("Where am I headed?" you ask yourself every day. You need a clear destination. Lacking one, your life and your work can quickly become frustrating. You set goals regularly. These goals serve as your compass, helping you determine priorities and make the nessary corrections to get back on course. Your focus is powerful because it forces you to filter; you instinctively evaluate whether or not a particular action will help you move toward your goal. Those that don't are ignored. Your focus forces you to be efficient. The flip side of this, is that it causes you to become impatient with delays, obstacles, and even tangents, no matter how intriguing they appear to be. This makes you an extremely valuable team member. When others start to wander down other avenues, you bring them back to the main road. Your focus reminds everyone that if something is not helping you move toward your destination , then it is not important. And if it is not important, then it is not worth your time. You keep everyone on point.),

Futuristic (You are the kind of person who loves to peer over the horizon. The future fascinates you. You see in detail what the future might hold, and this detailed picture keeps pulling you forward into tomorrow. You are a dreamer who sees visions of what could be and who cherishes those visions. When the present proves too frustrating and the people around you too pragmatic, you conjure up your visions of the future and they energize you. Often people look to you to describe your visions of the future. They want a picture that can raise their sights and thereby their spirits. People will latch on to the hope you bring.),

Harmony (You look for areas of agreement. When you know that the people around you hold differning views, you try to find the common ground. You try to steer away from confrontations and toward harmony. You hold your peace. You modify your own objectives to merge with theirs (as long as your basic values do not clash with yours). You steer clear of the debate, preferring to talk about practical, down-to-earth matters on which you can all agree. In your view we are all in the same boat, and we need this boat to get where we are going. In is a good boat. There is no need to rock it just to show that you can.),

Ideation (You are fascinated by ideas-a concept, the best explanation of the most events. You are delighted when you discover beneath the complex surface an elegantly simple concept to explain why things are they way they are. An idea is a connection. Yours is the kind of mind that is always looking for connections, and so you are intrigued when seemingly disparate phenomena can be linked by an obscure connection. An idea is a new perspective on familiar challenges. For all these reasons you derive a jolt of energy whenever a new idea occurs to you. Others may label you creative or original or conceptual or even smart. What you are sure of is that ideas are thrilling.),

Includer ("Stretch the circle wider." This is the philosophy around which you orient your life. You want to include people and make them feel part of the group. You actively avoid those groups that exclude others. You want to expand the group so that as many people as possible can benefit from its support. You hate the sight of someone on the outside looking in. You want to draw them in so that they can feel the warmth of the group. You are an instinctively accepting person. You cast few judgments. Your accepting nature does not necessarily rest on belief that each of us is different and that one should respect these differences. It rests on your conviction that fundamentally we are all the same. We are all equally important. Thus, no one should be ignored. Each of us should be included. It is the least we all deserve.),

Individualization (You are intrigued by the unique qualities of each person. You don't want to obscure what is special and distinct about each person. You focus on the differences between individuals. You instinctively observe each person's style, each person's motivation, how each thinks, and how each builds relationships. Because you are such a keen observer of other people's strengths, you can draw out the best in each person. This helps you build productive teams. You know instinctively that the secret to great teams is casting by individual strengths so that everyone can do a lot of what they do well.),

Input (You collect things. You might collect information--words, facts, books, and quoatations-- or tangible objects. You collect it because it interests you. You find many things interesting. The world is exciting precisely because of its infinite variety and complexity. If read, it's to add more information to your archives. You really don't feel comfortable throwing anything away. So you keep acquiring and compiling and filing stuff away. it's interesting. It keeps your mind fresh. And perhaps one day some of it will prove valuable.),

Intellection (You like to think. You like mental activity. Need for mental activity may be focused-solving a problem, developing ideas, or understanding a person's feelings. The exact focus will depend on your ohter strengths. It may very well lack focus. This strength doesn't dictate what you are thinking about; simply describes you like to think. You enjoy your time alone because it is your time for musing and reflecting. You are introspective. You are your own best companion, you pose yourself questions and try out answers on yourself to see how they sound. This introspection may lead you to a slight sense of discontent as you compare what you are actually doing with all the thoughts and ideas that your mind conceive, or it may tend toward more pragmatic matters such as the events of the day or a conversation that you plan to have later. This mental hum is one of the constants of your life.),

Learner (You love to learn. The subject matter that interests you most will be determined by your other themes and experiences. You will always be drawn to the process of learning. The process, more than the content or the result, is especially exciting for you. You are energized by the steady and deliberate journey from ingnorance to competence. The process entices you. Your excitement lead you to engage in adult learning experiences. it enables you to thrive in dynamic work environments where you asked to take on short project assignments and are expected to learn a lot about the new subject matter in a short period of time and then move on to the next one. You don't exactly seek to become the subject matter expert or professional. The outcome of the learning is less significant than the "getting there."),

Maximizer (Excellence is your measure. Transforming something strong into something superb takes just as much effort but is much more thrilling. Strengths, whether yours or someone else's, fascinate you. Having found a strength, you feel compelled to nurture it, refine it, and stretch it toward excellence. This natural sorting of strengths means that othes see you as discriminating . You choose to spend time with people who appreciate your particular strengths. You are attracted to others who seem to have found and cultivated their own strengths. You tend to avoid those who want to fix you and make you well rounded. You want to capitalize on the gifts with which you are blessed.),

Positivity (You are generous with praise, quick to smile, and always on the lookout for the positive in the situation. People want to be around you. Their world looks better around you because your enthousiasmis contagious. You seem to find a way to lighten their spirit. You inject drama into every project. You celebrate every achievement. You find ways to make everything more exciting and more vital. Somehow you can't quite escape your conviction that it is good to be alive, that work can be fun, and that no matter what the setbacks, one must never lose one's sense of humor.),

Relator (Pulls you toward people you know. You don't necessarily shy away form meeting new people--in fact, you may have other talents that cause you to enjoy the thrill of turning strangers into friends-- but you do derive a great deal of pleasure and strength from being around your close friends. You are comfortable with intimacy. Once the initial connection has been made, you deliberately encourage a deepening of the relationship. You want to understand their feelings, their goals, their fears, and their dreams; adn you want them to understand yours. You know that this kind of closeness implies a certain amount of risk, but you are willing to accept that risk. For you a relationship has value only if it is genuine. The only way to know that is to entrust yourself to the other person. The more you share with each other, the more you risk together. The more you risk together, the more each of you proves your caring is genuine. These are your steps toward real friendship, and you take them willingly.) ,

Responsibility (Forces you to take psychological ownership for anything you commit to, and whether large or small, you feel emotionally bound to follow it through to completion. If for some reason you cannot deliver, you automatically start to look for ways to make it up to the other person. You will not quite be able to live with yourself until you have made restitution. This conscientiuosness, this near obsession for doing things right, and your impeccable ethics combine to create your reputation: utterly dependable. When assigning new responsibilities, people will look to you first because they know it will get done. When people come to you for help-- and they soon will--you must be selective. Your willingness to volunteer may sometimes lead you to take on more then you should.),

Restorative (You love to solve problems. You enjoy the challenge of analyzing the symptoms, indentifying what is wrong, and finding the solution. May prefer practical problems or conceptual ones or personal ones. You may seek out specific kinds of problems that you have met many times before and that you are confident you can fix. Or may feel the greatest push when faced with complex and unfamiliar problems. Your exact preferences are determined by your other talents and experiences. You enjoy bringing things back to life. It is a wonderful feeling to indentify the undermining factor(s), eradicate them, and restore something to its true glory. You fix it, resuscitate it, rekindle its vitality.),

Self-Assurance (In the deepest part of you, you have faith in your strengths. You know that you are able--able to take risks, able to meet new challenges, able to stake claims, and, most important , able to deliver. It's more than self-confidence. You have confidence not only in your abilities but in your judgement. When you look at the world, you know that your perspective is unique and distinct. And because no one sees exactly what you see, you know that no one can make your decisions for you. No one can tell you what to think. They can guide you. They can suggest. But you alone have the authority to form conclusions, make decisions, and act. This feels natural to you. No matter what the situation, you seem to know what the right decision is. Lends you an aura of certainty. Unlike many, you are not easily swayed by someone else's arguments, no matter how persuasive they may be. This Self-Assurance may be quiet or loud, depending on your other talents, but it is solid. It is strong. Like the keel of a ship, it withstands many different pressures and keeps you on your course.),

Significance (You want to be recognized. You want to be heard. you want to stand out. You want to be known. In particular, you want to be known and appreciated for the unique strengths you bring. You feel a need to be admired as credible, professional, and successful. Likewise, you want to associate with others who are credible, professional, and successful. If they aren't, you will push them to achieve until they are or move on. An independent spirit, you want your work to be a way of life rather than a job, and in that work you want to be given free rein, the leeway to do things your way. Your yearnings feel intense to you, and you honor those yearnings. And so your life is filled with goals, achievements, or qualifications that you crave. Whatever your focus--and each person is distinct--your significance theme will keep pulling you upward, away from the mediocre toward the exceptional. It is the theme that keeps you reaching.),

Strategic (Enables you to sort through the clutter and find the best route. It's a distinct way of thinking, a special perspective on the world at large. It allows you to see patterns where others simply see complexity. You're always asking "What if this happens?" This recurring question helps you see around the next corner. There you can evaluate accurately the potential obstacles. You cull and make selections until you arrive at the chosen path--your strategy. Armed with your strategy, you strike forward. This is your strategric theme at work: "What if?" Select. Strike.),

Woo ( Winning others over. You enjoy the challenge of meeting new people and getting them to like you. Strangers are rarely intimidating to you. Strangers can be energizing. You are drawn to them. You want to learn their names, ask them questions, and find some area of common interest so that you can strike up a conversation and build rapport. Not only are you rarely at a loss for words; you actually enjoy initiating wiht strangers because you derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection. Once that connection is made, you are quite happy to wrap it up and move on. In your world there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet--lots of them.)

In the book, (and on the website) the author gives personal examples of certain people, Ideas for action, and working with people who have the same type of talents.