Things I've Discovered and Learned About Negative and Positive Thinking That's Helpful

Here is a list of emotions, please write down any of these you are experiencing or feeling today or have experienced or felt before: (lesson 3 tape from Midwest Center Program you can go to http://www.stresscenter.com/ for more info)

BAD, SAD, UGLY, WEAK, ANGRY, GUILTY, INSECURE, OVERWHELMED, FEARFUL, ALONE, ANXIOUS, DEPRESSED, INCAPABLE, BITTER, UNLOVABLE, UNWORTHY, WORTHLESS,TIRED, DISAPPOINTED, FRUSTRATED, STRESSED OUT, HELPLESS, HOPELESS, UNAPPRECIATED OR UNLOVED, ORANYTHING SIMILAR (________)

Whenever we feel these things we are negative thinking according to the Midwest Center for Attacking Anxiety and Depression. All our emotions are tied to our thoughts. So what we are thinking causes us to feel these emotions. We can develop a habit of thinking and feeling this way. Negative thinking can become an addictive behavior. A behavior we may start to accept as normal or a normal part of our lives. These negative thoughts are the basis of having low self-esteem, which creates stress, anxiety, and depression.

There are some cognitive distortions that lead to negative thinking, which the Midwest Center identifies. These are: Pgs. 3-10 & 3-11

1.) All or Nothing thinking: In this type of thinking there is no middle ground. If we make a mistake or have a bad day, we feel we are a total failure or never do anything right, rather than seeing it as just one mistake or day.

2.)Negative predictions or jumping to conclusions: we predict that things will turn out negatively, often because of past experiences or emotional pain from our past. We may believe because one person reacted negatively to us that everyone will, like when someone rejects us for a date or for a job.

3.)Filtering information negatively: Often involves picking a negative detail and dwelling on it. The total emphasis is placed on our weight, our looks, our health, etc. seeing only that piece. It is healthy to look at the whole picture. Filtering can involve a tendency to disqualify the positive as well. If ten people compliment us and one person says something negative, we filter out the ten and dwell on the one negative. We need to learn to let the nice things sink in. Our dialogue needs to reflect that we are learning to be a good friend to ourselves.

4.)Mind reading: We often assume that others are reacting negatively toward us. Our inner dialogue leads us to believe that people are looking down on us or are angry with us, without checking to see what may really be going on. An important skill to learn is to ask what is going on, instead of guessing.

5.)Shoulds: This type of thinking indicates things have to be a certain way. Insisting something “should” or “shouldn’t” be a certain way, or feel a certain way will intensify anxiety and depression. We can learn to give ourselves permission to have certain feelings and acknowledge that a situation is upsetting or unpleasant. With practice we can then move into a problem solving mode and decide what we can do to make a positive difference.

6.)Over generalized thinking: This includes those labels we have carried with us for a long time. What automatic thoughts are habitually stated? What names are you calling yourself? Example: “I’m so stupid or ugly or an idiot, etc”

We can also learn about some negative behaviors or ways of thinking from Dr. John Lewis Lund in his book “How to Hug a Porcupine“. He clearly educates the reader about the damaging affects of being critical, which is a form of being negative. In his book, he gives some descriptions of several destructive forms of criticism we and/or others might use. These forms of criticism damage and destroy the self-esteem of the person or persons being criticized.

Here’s what he listed: Pgs. 211-224

1.)Sarcasm: making fun of a person in a clever way.

2.)Trailing Barbs: A statement added to a compliment which expresses that what the other person is or did is good, but not good enough. It would be a statement like- “Oh, you’re hair is so cute, but that color makes you look pale.” or “That’s so nice your boy, Gary, got a B+ in math. Did you know his cousin, Darrel, got an A?”, or “Dinner was great tonight. If we could have had a dessert, it would have been perfect!” or last of all, “The lawn looks really nice. Thanks for mowing it. We need to do a little better job on the trim, however.” (In this case we do not have to tell the other person what they didn’t do or do right, we could simple teach them how we want it done the next time we have them do it. That way our compliment is taken with a feeling of sincerity. Don‘t mention the time before, just tell them you wanted to show them how to do whatever you wanted them to know how to do- don‘t say how to do it better. You don‘t want them to think you didn‘t really appreciate how they did it before. Stay in the here and now)- TR

3.)When we Analysis, Appraise, or Evaluate others in a negative way, like their appearance, or something they’ve done, or have something to do with, like a job, race, family, etc.

4.)Questioning asking “Didn’t you”, “Haven’t you” or “Aren’t you”, implying they should have

5.)Using entrapment questions: Any question which is designed to elicit a comment which is then immediately refuted by the one asking the question - So just wanting to express a personal opinion instead of honestly wanting to know what the other person had to say.

6.)Direction giving: Can be a form of criticism because it assumes the receiver is not capable of performing to an acceptable level without the superior suggestions of the one directing. (This can depend on who you are giving directions to. Of course it would be appropriate to direct children of younger ages. One important thing parents will have to learn with this however, is to adjust their teaching or directing with the age and maturity of the child. What was ok when they were 5 most likely will not be needed when they are a teen or an adult. As a parent you’ve got to let your child develop into an independent individual, who can act for him or herself, otherwise they will be dependent on you to make their choices or do the things they could be doing themselves.) - TR

7.)Being contrary: Practice of correcting facts as perceived by the listener when listening to others.

8.)One Upmanship: Everything someone does is compared to someone else who does it bigger or better.

9.)Feeling that because something is true makes it ok to say (justifies saying it), even if it is a destructive statement rather then edifying.

These forms of criticisms destroy self-worth and esteem causing us and/or others to feel emotions that increase stress, anxiety, and depression. This is how stress, anxiety, and depression begin. By being critical and negative. These are learned behaviors that become a habit and addiction.

Dr. Lund says, Sometimes we will even use criticism in order to protect ourselves from being criticized. We think if we do it for others (to ourselves), they won’t have to do it. This too can become a self-defeating bad habit and addiction.

Now we might not think there is anything we can do to change or improve these negative behaviors, or habits (addictions) but this is untrue. We have the power and ability. We are very much capable and able of change. We are children of God. We have much potential and we can do all things in and through Christ. Philippians 4: 7, 13

President Lorenzo Snow said: “We are the offspring of God, born with the same faculties, and powers as He possesses, capable of enlargement through the experience that we are now passing through in our second estate.”(FHE Manual pg. 21)read Psalms 8:3-8

To Start we must recognize. Some of you might already realize that you have a problem with negative thinking. Some of you might be in denial. Some of you may not have problems but know of others who do. Remember our first step is to recognize and then we can begin down the path of recovery from these conditions.

So once you begin recognizing your negative thoughts, you need to start replacing them with more positive, compassionate, and/ or empowering thoughts. Think about becoming your highest and best self. Make that your goal. That is within your reach and control. A lot of things we have a problem with are not in our control to change, but we definitely have been given the power to control ourselves. We need to take responsibility for ourselves and remember it is not our job to change other people. (we can teach and encourage them, but they must make the choice to change for themselves.) We must realize we can not control other people. (Remember whose plan it was to use force on others. We do not want to be on his side.) Keep in mind, the thing we can control is our reactions to others. We need to also realize, we can not depend on others (any fallen man or woman or the world) to be the source for our self-esteem. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves and do what we need to, to live the life God has asked us to live. We must take action for ourselves to build our self-esteem. If it isn’t already inside us, it will be difficult to believe what others see and tell us is true. We will have a very difficult time believing positive messages from outside ourselves if internally we aren’t reinforcing those messages.Now don’t think you have to do it alone. You have an amazing support system. Your Heavenly Father and Savior love you so much and will help you. When you feel weak and can’t seem to give yourself positive messages, pray. Ask for help. They are always listening and willing to ease our burdens so we can continue our journey.

Now, I want you to think about a statement I heard on a tape (lesson 3 tape) from the Midwest Center program. A woman commented that “most negative statements -we think- are not even true.” That statement, helped me to realize that it’s about grantee when ever I think or feel negative, it’s coming from Satan? Why? Because Satan is the Father of all lies and deceit, as it says in Moses 4: 4.

Satan wants us to feel negative emotions that keep us down, sad, afraid and angry, because he wants to distract us and keep us from achieving all that we could achieve. He wants to hold us down and control us. He wants to destroy us and/or have us destroy others. He’s never satisfied with what he can get, he always wants more. What does that tell us about his character? He desires destruction. He will never lead us to a better way. He never really wants to help us no matter how he makes it sound. He always has unclean motives- there’s always a price but no good reward when involved with him. He can not be trusted and can not give what he promises. It’s never really what he says it is anyway.

So when fighting against anxiety, depression and even stress, I believe it is very important to identify where our thoughts are coming from. We must ask, “Who is this thought -that causes me to feel (negative) coming from? Why would He (God or Satan) want me to think or feel like this? What is His motive behind it?”

Take a minute now and think, “Why would Satan want us to be depressed, anxious, stressed, angry, unforgiving, impatient, or dependent? What is he trying to hide or distract us from? Obviously he does not want us to see the truth. He does not want us to see that we have potential, power, and endless productive possibilities ahead of us. He is also jealous and immature. He doesn’t want us to believe our Savior can or wants to save or help us and he doesn’t want us to feel that we are loved or being taken care of. I challenge you to take some time to notice how most of or at least a lot of our negative thoughts are an attack on or against something God’s given to us. Do not believe or be fooled by Satan who is the father of all lies and deceit. He will never lead you a good direction. He does not want you to gain eternal life nor does he desire to help you get there.

Look at Elder Anthony D. Perkins “The Great and Wonderful Love” Nov. Ensign ‘06 Pg. 76-78 3 SNARES AND FIVE CHANGES TO HEART AND THOUGHTS

Identify your thoughts. We need to ask who our thoughts are coming from? Ask yourself, why would the Lord want me to think/feel this way? What would His motives be for having me think/feel this way? What would He want me to do by giving me this thought? Does it fit His motives and purposes? (read Moses 1:39; D & C 18: 10; 2 Nephi 26:24-28) What is the truth about this thought? Did I feel the spirit when I thought this? (Remember, all good things come from Christ and the H. G. will testify of truth. let the H. G. guide you.) You can also flip these questions and ask yourself, Why would Satan want me to think/feel this way? What would his motives be for having me think/feel like this? What is he trying/wanting me to do by having me think this thought? What is the truth underneath this thought? What is he trying to hide or distract me from by giving me this thought? (Think about what we know about the War in Heaven. What was Satan like then? What did he want? Why did he want what he wanted? Do you think he has changed for the better since then? (REMEMBER ELDER PERKIN’S TALK)

We need to identify our thoughts. (To start identify who they are from), then The Midwest Center suggests that you write down all your negative thoughts for one whole day. Use a little spiral notebook. Then replace those thoughts with a positive thought (a more truthful thought.) Ask yourself, what is the truth about what I am thinking? Try to make your replacement thought more truthful and realistic. Positive thoughts as taught by the Midwest Center, should sooth, comfort, reassure, calm, empower, encourage, and help us feel better. They should be compassionate, forgiving, show patience and tolerance, re-enforce our strength and courage, praise, focus on and reaffirm the good things about us and keep us from having a panic or anxiety attack.

Read the 13th Article of Faith and Philippians 4:8-9

Also remember we must choose what we will think, believe, and do. Surround yourself the best you can, with things that will help you be positive instead of negative. It will be worth it.

Here are some POSITIVE STATEMENTS/ THOUGHTS WE CAN TELL OURSELVES (MIDWEST CENTER): *It’s no big deal. *I’m not anxious. I’m excited!*It just doesn’t matter. *I’m okay. I’ll be fine. *Go for it! *I’m taking this too seriously. *It’s just my anxiety. It will go away.*It’s their problem. *I’ll feel better tomorrow.*It’s not worth getting anxious about. *So what if . . . . .*I’m going to float with it and it will go away.*Of course I’m anxious because . . . . (who wouldn’t be?)*I’m not going to take that action or comment personally.*Look how far I’ve come and the ways I’ve changed. So what if I still feel anxious.

Remember (from Midwest Center)3 R’S OF RECONSTRUCTING: IS IT REALISTIC, RATIONAL, AND/OR REASONABLE?

Now take what you circled on the handout and identify (if you can) what your thoughts were behind those emotions and who did those thoughts come from, then last of all figure out a replacement thought for it and write it down.

There are just a few ideas I wanted to share with you before I move on. One is, that just because you feel a certain way doesn’t mean you have to act that way. For example if you are feeling angry that doesn’t mean you have to act angry. You can choose to be nice. It’s all about choice. If we choose to act nice and then change our thoughts from being angry to being kind, our mood will surely change. Just remember we are free agents to act and not just be acted upon. Please read, D & C 29:39; D&C 58:27-28; 2 Nephi 10:23

Dr. Lund also says, “Just do what a good person would do and do not expect others to do anything in return. You are not doing it because you think the other person deserves it, but because you are a good person.” Remember, It doesn’t matter what others do or how they act as much as it matters what you choose to do in return to them. Don’t let what others do change who you are. Be constant and unchanging. Let those opportunities prove who you really are. Let it prove you in a good light. Do things just because that is the kind of person you are. Prove you are or are becoming a Christ-like person. Elder David A. Bednar in his Oct. 2006 address named “And Nothing Shall Offend Them” (Ensign pg. 91) said, “You and I cannot control the intentions or behavior of other people. However, we do determine how we will act. Please remember that you and I are agents endowed with moral agency, and we can choose not to be offended. . . . . . One of the greatest indicators of our own spiritual maturity is revealed in how we respond to the weaknesses, the inexperience, and the potentially offensive actions of others. A thing, an event, or an expression may be offensive, but you and I can choose not to be offended--and to say with Pahoran, “it mattereth not.” (Alma 61:2,9)

Now don’t be afraid to be assertive though. It is ok to tell someone you are hurt, but you can not force that person to feel bad about what they have done. Stand up for yourself when you need to, but realize you can never truly control anyone but yourself.

Last of all for this section, we must decide what to let go of and hold on to. We must release these negative addictive, bad habits/behaviors, so we can have more strength to hold on to the truth and other important things. (Idea spurred from Devotional with Garrett Degong (Sp ?) at BYU-ID Dec. 12, 2006)

FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real.

Any negative thought we have about the past needs to be looked at from the standpoint, “What did I learn from that situation that makes me a better person today?”

What we think and say determines how we feel. Words and thoughts trigger feelings and body responses quickly. (Mind-thought body connections.) Communicating the truth to our minds eliminates unnecessary body symptoms. The only way anyone has changed things in their life, is by changing the way they are thinking. We only experience failure when we decide never to learn from an experience, never to do anything about it and do not change. Most things are not failures you are just not finished yet. Thoughts proceed feelings. We have the ability to think any thought and determine how we will feel. We can have control of our thoughts; we determine them and are capable of living peace filled, productive, positive lives. We need to be taught how to think positively. When you learn to think differently you will feel differently and then behave differently. Every experience in your life is given positive or negative significance by you. Our brains are listening all the time. When we say things to ourselves, our brain directs the appropriate chemicals to be manufactured to match what we have thought. Look at your failures as learning experiences instead. You still have time to learn. Don’t give up and stop learning. Reject the black and white thinking habit. It’s not too late to move on and be successful! Not only are we often too hard on ourselves, we never give ourselves enough credit for what we’ve done. Begin appreciating how you are and the talents you have been given. Make the journey more fun!

Study yourself. Many of your thoughts are automatic. Think about them. What do you say to yourself? Is it true? Most of what we think is negative and false. We tend to overanalyze, over generalize, and overreact to things. Is your thought reasonable, realistic, or rational? If not it is probably negative and needs to be change. Refocus and tell yourself the truth. Trust yourself and believe you can handle things. Tell yourself that.

The more positive things you have to say about your successes, accomplishments, and ambitions the less time you have to think negatively.

5 points to remember to use when dealing with negative thoughts:1.) Be aware. Recognize and catch yourself. 2.) Stop. Make a decision as to how you want to respond- it doesn’t have to be the automatic response3.) Relax and reframe. Let go and slow down. Look for the truth. When you use positive dialog the goal is to immediately make yourself feel better. You are transporting yourself from a negative state to a positive one. Can be done in seconds. You have the control.4.) Problem solve. Where is the thought really coming from? How can I address it? What would I tell someone else?5.) Write. Counter the negative self talk in writing. The more senses you can get involved in the new thinking the sooner it will feel comfortable and valid.

See the themes that begin to Surface. (Poor self-esteem, fear of success, caring too much what people are thinking, magical thinking, etc) Overtime negative thoughts will seem out of place in your thinking. Don’t forget things learned when life is good, don’t give up when things are tough and don’t change immediately. Give it time. Keep practicing, eventually you will feel more comfortable and more in control of your thinking.

You may find that you can be so positive with others that it’s hard to recognize how negative you are with yourself.

It’s a lot of mental work to change negative thoughts. There are a lot of negative triggers around us. Have some productive statements to use that don’t take much thought (short statements.) like this is an opportunity. I can under react to this. I am capable. I can handle this.

Take notice when a thought scares you, makes you anxious, or makes you feel bad and decide to look at it differently. If you find yourself in a negative state (anger, fear, guilt, depression) go back and discover what you were thinking or what was going on.

Part of what you are trying to accomplish with this new thinking pattern is to acknowledge feelings, learn to comfort yourself, and take yourself from a negative stat to a positive state. Look for the good and problem solve in a positive direction. Healthy thinking leads to healthy emotions and healthy behavior will follow, leading to a healthier life.

Understand that negative thoughts create anxiety, fear and often lead to depression. Negative thinking is a bad habit an addiction.

Identify the thoughts behind your feelings. Can’t have a feeling without a thought first.

Every thought carries its own chemistry. Feel what we think. Listen in to your anxious and depressive thoughts.

Depression is fed by distorted, negative thinking.

Brain does not know the difference between an imagined scenario and a real happening. (We can consciously determine to think about those things.) It responds as if the imagined is real.

Must/Need to learn to: have compassion for yourself, talk yourself out of being afraid, praise yourself and mean it, talk to yourself in a relaxing, soothing and comfortable manner, to use positive dialogue instead of negative when you feel you have failed at something or done something wrong, (how to) stop negative thoughts and comments and replace them with positive ones.

Often what puts people in an anxiety attack and keeps them in depression is the dialogue they have with themselves.

Fear of failure is fear of self-hate and rejection. It stems from a strong need for total acceptance from self and from others. We may never have total acceptance from others that is out of our control. This sets up a no-win situation. When we fail, we feel disgraced, embarrassed, depressed and unworthy of respect. Fear of failure is fear of rejection. It results in decisions designed to prevent the possibility of failure and rejection- it keeps us from achieving, from taking a risk. We avoid things. A person with a healthy self-esteem, who has managed to find success in life, has experienced many failures along the way. Fail successfully, understand that falling short is always a possibility and recognize that it is part of the life process. Keep trying until you get it right, eventually you’ll do it. You don’t have to be as everyone else. The only way to get comfortable with the possibility of failure and rejection is to expose yourself to it. By taking chances and allowing yourself to be rejected, you will realize that while your pride may be temporarily shaken, your real self is unchanged. You are still that same person with the same talents and abilities. No one can change that. Permitting the experience of rejection and failure, is freeing, you are less and less affected by it. You are then able to knock on any door to try new experiences, accept challenges, and make exciting, life-fulfilling decisions. Your decisions will be made out of desire, not fear.

What you think and say to yourself is what produces feelings and symptoms of anxiety.

When a negative statement is written as a complete and specific statement and the reason for your fear is given, it is easier to write a replacement statement. Be specific and use details and compassion, and take little steps with your positive statements. Always ask yourself if you are catastrophizing or exaggerating your negative thoughts. It might take time to believe the truth and positive. Watch out for black and white statements. Don’t just use simply, easy answer positive statements. You want to persuade and motivate yourself in a positive direction. (You got to talk yourself in to doing what you aren’t feeling) You control what you put into your brain. Make it make you feel better.

You can complete anything you didn’t finish. Realize some of your failures aren’t your fault and the ones that are you need to forgive yourself for. That is life. You learn from your mistakes. Mistakes are opportunities for growth.

Pat yourself on the back for even the smallest achievements.

Interrupt.... Interrupt.... Interrupt... refocus, restructure, replace, regroup, reevaluate, redesign... reward!

It is impossible to have negative feelings without negative thoughts.

Do positive things (good deeds, smile, something pretty-make or put out or buy, Enjoy those moments and enjoy the smile they bring. When we give of ourselves we reap a much larger reward.

Take a look at your surroundings- paint bedroom yellow, clean –make it as cheery as possible so when you wake up to something positive.

Place little reminders everywhere to be positive.

Write one statement that soothes and comforts you, and one to strengthen and empower you. Repeat 10 times a day.

“What would I like to hear from _____________ right now?” This gets them started with some good self talk when they don’t know what to say to themselves.

Say the positive self talk even if you don’t believe it.

Creating a visual with the self talk helps make this more concrete :) like how water washing over rocks eventually changes the form of the rock, no matter how hard the rock is.