"HOW to HUG A PORCUPINE: Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Perosonalities" by Dr. John Lewis Lund 1999 http://www.drlund.com
"The challenge for those who have reasonable and realistic “wishes” for others, is not to become toxic in an attempt to force others to conform. The danger for the frustrated person is in adopting toxic behaviors in order to deal with the one who is causing the frustration. It is like yelling at someone to stop them from yelling. In so doing they instill a pattern of responses that make them as toxic as the person they are criticizing. Dealing with these difficult personalities is like cleaning the old coal stoves. There is no way to do it without getting soot, coal dust, and dirt all over you, unless you have the proper equipment. Without proper clothing or a wet-dry vacuum cleaner, the result will be the transfer of ashes from the stove to the person. Toxic people tend to engender toxic reactions from others. Both parties become embroiled in dysfunctional behaviors. Both now appear equally guilty. Only when one party determines to act or react in healthy ways can the truly toxic person by revealed.” (p. 89 “How to Hug a Porcupine-Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities” by Dr. John Lewis Lund 1999)
Take a moment and identify what a toxic behavior is; since in many codependent relationships toxic behaviors are involved and perpetuate the addictive cycle.
Go to this link to read a description of what a toxic behavior and personality is and see a list of examples for toxic behaviors and attitudes from Dr. John Lewis Lund.
http://www.drlund.com/hug.cfm?page=2
(There will be three pages to look at, just click Next page at the bottom of the 1st and 2nd page)
There are also these quizzes you can look at or take to learn more about toxic behaviors.
AM I TOXIC TO OTHERS? http://www.drlund.com/others.cfm
AM I TOXIC TO MYSELF? http://www.drlund.com/myself.cfm
DO I HAVE A TOXIC MATE? http://www.drlund.com/toxic.cfm
DO I HAVE A TOXIC CHILD? http://www.drlund.com/child.cfm
Dr. Lund in his book “How to Hug a Porcupine-Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities” he gives a great list of rules for good parenting. I’d like you to adapt them to addictive thinking relationships in families.
The Art of Parenting is the art of transferring responsibility from the parent’s shoulders to the shoulders of the child as he or she demonstrates an ability to manage it.
The Art of Parenting is the art of “letting go,” not the art of “hanging on.”
Life is a gift that the parents give to the child. What the child does with his life is his gift to his parents.
The loving thing to do as a parent is the responsible thing. When in doubt as to whether you should or shouldn’t permit something, answer the question, “What is the responsible thing to do?” It will also be the loving thing to do. Not to hold someone accountable for their behavior is not loving.
There are only three ways children learn:
A. By what they see in the examples around them
B. By what they hear
C. By what they experience
(6). “Natural Consequences” are the best teachers. If you don’t brush your teeth you wind up with the natural consequences, i.e. cavities.
(7). “Imposed Consequences” are the next best teachers. If you get cavities because you didn’t brush your teeth, there will be no candy and you can help pay for your cavities.
(8). Loving a child and trusting a child are two totally different concepts and they are not connected. It is possible to love a child and not trust him. Trust is the function of responsible behavior. To be trusted children must be where they say they will be and doing what they say they will be doing. Trust is earned as credibility is established.
(9). Do not deny children their reasonable requests just to show you have the power as a parent. Don’t say “no” just to demonstrate you are in control.
(10.) Follow Dr. Lund’s Parent Creed: “Because I love you, I will assist you in becoming your highest and best self. But, I will not enable you to self-destruct, nor will I help you one inch to hell.” (pgs. 72-73)
Love and Trust
“Maybe the most profound way to effect change in others is to love them, to strengthen them and their self-worth in such a way they come to believe in themselves. The power of unconditional love has yet to be measured. This much is known: It is difficult to resist forever the unconditional love of another. There is so much to say about the power of love, of acceptance, affection, and appreciation. However, there are some cautions. Once again love and trust are two different things. You can love someone and not trust them. Also, you can trust someone and not love them. You can both love and trust or you can both not love and not trust. TRUST is the function of freedom and responsibility. “I will give you as much freedom as you demonstrate responsibility to handle.” Unconditional love, on the other hand, does not mean you have to be stupid or be taken advantage of, or made to feel a fool. Unconditional love is something one does because he is a good person, not because the loved one deserves it. However, the loving thing is almost always the responsible thing. The loving thing is to help a person become their highest and best self. It is not love to enable someone in poor judgment decisions. “I will not help you one inch to hell,” is a loving stance. Irresponsible people want to play upon the love others have for them in order to escape the consequences of their poor judgment decisions. People who are constantly rescuing their loved ones from the consequences of their poor choices, create a loved one who begins to believe he or she does not have to obey the rules.”
Dr. Lund also explains that, “Each person is responsible for his or her own behavior regardless of the actions of others. Each has a right and opportunity to act and to react. We cannot always choose the circumstances, but we can always choose our response. When we say that someone else made us do it, we are not accepting responsibility for our own behavior. This is the abuser mentality. We violate the first principle of emotionally healthy people, i.e., to accept responsibility for our own happiness, unhappiness, and behavior and to respect the boundaries of others.”(p. 39, 1999)
Pg. 154-155 A LOVING PERSON
It is true that every person has the potential to love. The focus on being a loving person is defined by our loving behaviors. Affection, acceptance, and appreciation are all ways in which love can be expressed. Specific loving behaviors include holding hands, hugging, kissing, and appropriate touching. Kind and encouraging words, sincere praise, courteous expressions of thanks and appreciation are examples of loving behavior. Giving encouragement for even the slightest improvement reflects an emphasis on the positive. Thoughtful visible efforts and deeds communicate acceptance. Cards, flowers, an extra effort to clean the car, change the oil, make sure a task is finished, all become ways of expressing love. There is no substitute for the will to be a loving person. Phony behaviors will eventually discredit the insincere.
Remember: Do not do the loving behaviors with the expectation of being loved, appreciated or valued in return! Do them because you are a loving person.
Accepting a definition of yourself as a loving person because you are able to love unconditionally allows you to deal with difficult personalities. The power of personal example cannot be denied. Patience must overcome anger. Respect must replace verbal abuse. Kindness and gentleness must win over harshness and insensitivity. Invitation, enticement, and persuasion must emerge in lieu of compulsion, intimidation, and domination. Only when we are focused on becoming our highest and best selves can we replace toxic responses with these positive ones. Unless and until we are committed to take control of our lives, we allow toxic people around us to dictate our happiness and sadness.
Trying to punish others by making ourselves unpleasant people is a poor choice. Withholding love as a punishment or as a sign of disapproval is an error. Whenever a person chooses not to be a loving individual it is a mistake. We have already discussed that trust and love are different. But why do people decide to withhold civil behavior even within reasonable limits? Do false pride, self-righteousness and holier-than-thou judgmentalism deprive you of a loving disposition? Yes! The point is you can be a loving, kind or respectful person whether or not someone else is imperfect or flawed.
(Pgs. 73-74, “How to Hug a Porcupine-Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities” by Dr. John Lewis Lund, 1999)
Pg. 93 EXAMPLES OF POSITIVE RESPONSES TO FRUSTRATION
Excuse yourself and go for a walk to ponder responses which keep you in control of yourself and being a caring person.
2. Count to ten slowly and remain in emotional control. Sort through your best options.
3. Visualize something absurd, like Jim, dressed in baby clothes, sitting on a block of ice, sucking a pickle.
4. If you are under verbal attack or criticism, simply announce your need to write the criticisms down on paper in order to ponder them. Also announce that you will seriously consider the criticisms and get back to the person later.
5. Request the criticizing person to rub your back while he or she is giving the negative message, or ask the person to hold your hand while he or she criticizes you.
Negative responses to frustration are almost always emotional or feeling level reactions reflecting a lack of control. Positive responses to frustration are primarily thinking or mental reactions arrived at after meditation. Pondering takes time and therefore it is imperative that you develop the character traits of patience by staying in control of yourself as your first response to frustration.
Pain in inevitable; Misery is a choice.
“The wonderful truth is life is choosing. Life is a choice of how to act and how to react. This brings the discussion full circle. It is not about being a victim. It is about living. It is about finding joy in the process of becoming your highest and best self. It’s all about living in a hostile world, but not being a part of that world. It is not “an eye for an eye” and “a tooth for a tooth.” It’s about living in the real world and applying the principles of happiness and self-control. It’s about calling upon the power we have to choose. It’s finding out there is greater peace and joy in being self-defined than in being defined by others.” (p.158 “How to Hug a Porcupine-Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities” by Dr. John Lewis Lund 1999)
“The person who cares the most is held hostage by the one who cares the least.”-Dr. John Lewis Lund
“The stories of hatred, hostile ex-spouses, and toxic ex-in-laws are lengendary.The question is what kind of person are you? Now what kind of person is he? Do you let everyone else define who you are? Is your life lived only as a reaction to others? Why should you let anyone keep you from being a loving, kind or respectful person? Your NOT LOVING them is not going to change them, and your LOVING them may not change them. But life will be better for you if you live it as a loving and not as a toxic person.” (p.157 “How to Hug a Porcupine-Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities” by Dr. John Lewis Lund 1999)
Pg. 88-89 A WISH OR A GOAL
Pg. 91 HOW DO YOU GENERALLY RESPOND TO FRUSTRATION?
Pg. 93 EXAMPLES OF POSITIVE RESPONSES TO FRUSTRATION
Pg. 94-95 THERE ARE FOUR LEVELS OF RESPONSE IN ANY SITUATION
Pg. 103-104 REALISITC GOALS AND HEALTHY EXPECTATIONS
Pg. 205-206 (-208) HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH FRUSTRATION?
Pgs. 174-182 THE REFORMING TOXIC: CHOOSING TO LOVE OR TO WITHHOLD LOVE, BALANCING THE POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE, THE REFORMING TOXIC’S CHALLENGE, SHEDDING THE QUILLS OF TOXIC BEHAVIORS.
Pg. 37 THE CRITIHOLIC
“BELINDA WAS ADDICTED TO CRITICISM”
Link:
http://www.drlund.com/quick.cfm
"The challenge for those who have reasonable and realistic “wishes” for others, is not to become toxic in an attempt to force others to conform. The danger for the frustrated person is in adopting toxic behaviors in order to deal with the one who is causing the frustration. It is like yelling at someone to stop them from yelling. In so doing they instill a pattern of responses that make them as toxic as the person they are criticizing. Dealing with these difficult personalities is like cleaning the old coal stoves. There is no way to do it without getting soot, coal dust, and dirt all over you, unless you have the proper equipment. Without proper clothing or a wet-dry vacuum cleaner, the result will be the transfer of ashes from the stove to the person. Toxic people tend to engender toxic reactions from others. Both parties become embroiled in dysfunctional behaviors. Both now appear equally guilty. Only when one party determines to act or react in healthy ways can the truly toxic person by revealed.” (p. 89 “How to Hug a Porcupine-Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities” by Dr. John Lewis Lund 1999)
Take a moment and identify what a toxic behavior is; since in many codependent relationships toxic behaviors are involved and perpetuate the addictive cycle.
Go to this link to read a description of what a toxic behavior and personality is and see a list of examples for toxic behaviors and attitudes from Dr. John Lewis Lund.
http://www.drlund.com/hug.cfm?page=2
(There will be three pages to look at, just click Next page at the bottom of the 1st and 2nd page)
There are also these quizzes you can look at or take to learn more about toxic behaviors.
AM I TOXIC TO OTHERS? http://www.drlund.com/others.cfm
AM I TOXIC TO MYSELF? http://www.drlund.com/myself.cfm
DO I HAVE A TOXIC MATE? http://www.drlund.com/toxic.cfm
DO I HAVE A TOXIC CHILD? http://www.drlund.com/child.cfm
Dr. Lund in his book “How to Hug a Porcupine-Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities” he gives a great list of rules for good parenting. I’d like you to adapt them to addictive thinking relationships in families.
The Art of Parenting is the art of transferring responsibility from the parent’s shoulders to the shoulders of the child as he or she demonstrates an ability to manage it.
The Art of Parenting is the art of “letting go,” not the art of “hanging on.”
Life is a gift that the parents give to the child. What the child does with his life is his gift to his parents.
The loving thing to do as a parent is the responsible thing. When in doubt as to whether you should or shouldn’t permit something, answer the question, “What is the responsible thing to do?” It will also be the loving thing to do. Not to hold someone accountable for their behavior is not loving.
There are only three ways children learn:
A. By what they see in the examples around them
B. By what they hear
C. By what they experience
(6). “Natural Consequences” are the best teachers. If you don’t brush your teeth you wind up with the natural consequences, i.e. cavities.
(7). “Imposed Consequences” are the next best teachers. If you get cavities because you didn’t brush your teeth, there will be no candy and you can help pay for your cavities.
(8). Loving a child and trusting a child are two totally different concepts and they are not connected. It is possible to love a child and not trust him. Trust is the function of responsible behavior. To be trusted children must be where they say they will be and doing what they say they will be doing. Trust is earned as credibility is established.
(9). Do not deny children their reasonable requests just to show you have the power as a parent. Don’t say “no” just to demonstrate you are in control.
(10.) Follow Dr. Lund’s Parent Creed: “Because I love you, I will assist you in becoming your highest and best self. But, I will not enable you to self-destruct, nor will I help you one inch to hell.” (pgs. 72-73)
Love and Trust
“Maybe the most profound way to effect change in others is to love them, to strengthen them and their self-worth in such a way they come to believe in themselves. The power of unconditional love has yet to be measured. This much is known: It is difficult to resist forever the unconditional love of another. There is so much to say about the power of love, of acceptance, affection, and appreciation. However, there are some cautions. Once again love and trust are two different things. You can love someone and not trust them. Also, you can trust someone and not love them. You can both love and trust or you can both not love and not trust. TRUST is the function of freedom and responsibility. “I will give you as much freedom as you demonstrate responsibility to handle.” Unconditional love, on the other hand, does not mean you have to be stupid or be taken advantage of, or made to feel a fool. Unconditional love is something one does because he is a good person, not because the loved one deserves it. However, the loving thing is almost always the responsible thing. The loving thing is to help a person become their highest and best self. It is not love to enable someone in poor judgment decisions. “I will not help you one inch to hell,” is a loving stance. Irresponsible people want to play upon the love others have for them in order to escape the consequences of their poor judgment decisions. People who are constantly rescuing their loved ones from the consequences of their poor choices, create a loved one who begins to believe he or she does not have to obey the rules.”
Dr. Lund also explains that, “Each person is responsible for his or her own behavior regardless of the actions of others. Each has a right and opportunity to act and to react. We cannot always choose the circumstances, but we can always choose our response. When we say that someone else made us do it, we are not accepting responsibility for our own behavior. This is the abuser mentality. We violate the first principle of emotionally healthy people, i.e., to accept responsibility for our own happiness, unhappiness, and behavior and to respect the boundaries of others.”(p. 39, 1999)
Pg. 154-155 A LOVING PERSON
It is true that every person has the potential to love. The focus on being a loving person is defined by our loving behaviors. Affection, acceptance, and appreciation are all ways in which love can be expressed. Specific loving behaviors include holding hands, hugging, kissing, and appropriate touching. Kind and encouraging words, sincere praise, courteous expressions of thanks and appreciation are examples of loving behavior. Giving encouragement for even the slightest improvement reflects an emphasis on the positive. Thoughtful visible efforts and deeds communicate acceptance. Cards, flowers, an extra effort to clean the car, change the oil, make sure a task is finished, all become ways of expressing love. There is no substitute for the will to be a loving person. Phony behaviors will eventually discredit the insincere.
Remember: Do not do the loving behaviors with the expectation of being loved, appreciated or valued in return! Do them because you are a loving person.
Accepting a definition of yourself as a loving person because you are able to love unconditionally allows you to deal with difficult personalities. The power of personal example cannot be denied. Patience must overcome anger. Respect must replace verbal abuse. Kindness and gentleness must win over harshness and insensitivity. Invitation, enticement, and persuasion must emerge in lieu of compulsion, intimidation, and domination. Only when we are focused on becoming our highest and best selves can we replace toxic responses with these positive ones. Unless and until we are committed to take control of our lives, we allow toxic people around us to dictate our happiness and sadness.
Trying to punish others by making ourselves unpleasant people is a poor choice. Withholding love as a punishment or as a sign of disapproval is an error. Whenever a person chooses not to be a loving individual it is a mistake. We have already discussed that trust and love are different. But why do people decide to withhold civil behavior even within reasonable limits? Do false pride, self-righteousness and holier-than-thou judgmentalism deprive you of a loving disposition? Yes! The point is you can be a loving, kind or respectful person whether or not someone else is imperfect or flawed.
(Pgs. 73-74, “How to Hug a Porcupine-Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities” by Dr. John Lewis Lund, 1999)
Pg. 93 EXAMPLES OF POSITIVE RESPONSES TO FRUSTRATION
Excuse yourself and go for a walk to ponder responses which keep you in control of yourself and being a caring person.
2. Count to ten slowly and remain in emotional control. Sort through your best options.
3. Visualize something absurd, like Jim, dressed in baby clothes, sitting on a block of ice, sucking a pickle.
4. If you are under verbal attack or criticism, simply announce your need to write the criticisms down on paper in order to ponder them. Also announce that you will seriously consider the criticisms and get back to the person later.
5. Request the criticizing person to rub your back while he or she is giving the negative message, or ask the person to hold your hand while he or she criticizes you.
Negative responses to frustration are almost always emotional or feeling level reactions reflecting a lack of control. Positive responses to frustration are primarily thinking or mental reactions arrived at after meditation. Pondering takes time and therefore it is imperative that you develop the character traits of patience by staying in control of yourself as your first response to frustration.
Pain in inevitable; Misery is a choice.
“The wonderful truth is life is choosing. Life is a choice of how to act and how to react. This brings the discussion full circle. It is not about being a victim. It is about living. It is about finding joy in the process of becoming your highest and best self. It’s all about living in a hostile world, but not being a part of that world. It is not “an eye for an eye” and “a tooth for a tooth.” It’s about living in the real world and applying the principles of happiness and self-control. It’s about calling upon the power we have to choose. It’s finding out there is greater peace and joy in being self-defined than in being defined by others.” (p.158 “How to Hug a Porcupine-Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities” by Dr. John Lewis Lund 1999)
“The person who cares the most is held hostage by the one who cares the least.”-Dr. John Lewis Lund
“The stories of hatred, hostile ex-spouses, and toxic ex-in-laws are lengendary.The question is what kind of person are you? Now what kind of person is he? Do you let everyone else define who you are? Is your life lived only as a reaction to others? Why should you let anyone keep you from being a loving, kind or respectful person? Your NOT LOVING them is not going to change them, and your LOVING them may not change them. But life will be better for you if you live it as a loving and not as a toxic person.” (p.157 “How to Hug a Porcupine-Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities” by Dr. John Lewis Lund 1999)
Pg. 88-89 A WISH OR A GOAL
Pg. 91 HOW DO YOU GENERALLY RESPOND TO FRUSTRATION?
Pg. 93 EXAMPLES OF POSITIVE RESPONSES TO FRUSTRATION
Pg. 94-95 THERE ARE FOUR LEVELS OF RESPONSE IN ANY SITUATION
Pg. 103-104 REALISITC GOALS AND HEALTHY EXPECTATIONS
Pg. 205-206 (-208) HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH FRUSTRATION?
Pgs. 174-182 THE REFORMING TOXIC: CHOOSING TO LOVE OR TO WITHHOLD LOVE, BALANCING THE POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE, THE REFORMING TOXIC’S CHALLENGE, SHEDDING THE QUILLS OF TOXIC BEHAVIORS.
Pg. 37 THE CRITIHOLIC
“BELINDA WAS ADDICTED TO CRITICISM”
http://www.drlund.com/quick.cfm
No comments:
Post a Comment